Saturday, April 20, 2019

Starting Over

Hi All,

Sorry for the silence. The past few months have seen me battle my depression a lot more than I would have liked. I do have some good news in that my father's estate is now officially closed. It's been over a year that I've had to deal with courts and lawyers and it feels amazing to be free of all of it.

Now, I can focus on me and taking better care of myself. I admit I haven't been doing too well in that department since my dad died but the universe decided to step in and help me out in recent weeks.

Musically, I tend to listen to classic rock, hard rock and metal or anyone rocking a guitar but as of late I rediscovered Eminem.  I was baking cookies while I let my CD jukebox shuffle through albums. I had forgotten I had an Eminem CD loaded in it and while I'm loading cookies into the oven, the opening lines to "The Real Slim Shady" come blaring through. It's been YEARS since I heard this song and actually remembered most of the words as I sang along. It made me smile and laugh.

I took my CD player off shuffle and listened to the entire Curtain Call CD. You know how you get a song stuck in your head and it just plays over and over? That is what happened to me. I had Eminem lyrics running through my head for days!

As I mentioned, my depression has been hitting me a lot harder than normal as of late. I battle it on my own, no meds, just deal with it and keep going. I do speak to someone every other week so I do have a resource to go to but I mainly do it on my own.  Listening to Eminem has brought me out of my funk a bit. My depression will never go away but I was feeling more like my normal self. It's hard to believe the Curtain Call CD came out in 2005.

After listening to the CD for two weeks, I finally decided to branch out and see what Eminem has been doing these days. Boy, have I missed a lot! I am almost caught up though as I had to catch up on everything since 2005.  That's when I learned about his own struggle with addiction and depression.
We've all gotten older and I had forgotten that I am only a year older than Eminem. I've been bouncing between Relapse, Recovery and the Marshall Mathers LP2. I've got four other CDs to listen to yet.

Listening to the Recovery CD has been difficult for me at times and comforting too. Eminem gave voice to so many things that I have felt or experienced myself. I could relate on many levels. My last suicide attempt was 26 years ago but the past couple of months has tested my head space. I've battled for a long time not to go back to that dark place. I live in a dark place but where suicidal thoughts reside is a lot darker.

I realized that I'm exhausted from dealing with everything regarding my dad's estate and given the upheaval of dealing with my dad dying, having to leave my childhood home which I lived in for 43 years and see it demolished to moving into a new place, 2018 was tough. The battle has been tough and I desperately would like a breather. Eminem has been the relief I've needed.

Listening to Eminem has been a blessing as I feel like I'm resetting myself. I'm feeling good again and more stable than I have been in months. A new chapter in my life is here and the fact that it's Eminem that's helping me start it is interesting. He's the last musical artist that I had expected to be diving into to help me through this rough patch but given my twisted sense of humor, he's the perfect person to help me get back to being me.

I saw online that he received his chip for 11 years of sobriety. I'm sincerely happy for him. I'm sure some days are better than others for him but I'm glad he's doing well.  Some days are better than others for me too and Eminem's music has helped me cope and heal some of the hurt I've been carrying the past year. He's been a nice reminder that my depression doesn't own me, I own it.

With that in mind, I'm leaving you with Eminem's Not Afraid.

Rock on!
Maynard