Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Tuesday, September 28, 2021


This time of year can be a struggle for me. As I look back through the years when I pull inward, I reflect, mourn, celebrate and lose myself in the darkness. I travel back in time to a place I wanted nothing more to do but die and yet, I am still here. The road out of the darkest depths was not easy and while my life still lives within the confines of darkness, there is more light in it than there ever was. 

At times, life seems like a burden. It weighs you down and you sink into it. It can be like quicksand, the more you struggle to breathe the more it swallows you. Breaking free of the pain, the darkness can seem impossible and yet, no matter how many years have passed, that feeling never goes away but it lessens with time.  

During this time of year, I mourn for myself and celebrate a life of friend long gone. I acknowledge my death day as I call it. The day of my last suicide, the day that I learned someone cared about me, the day that someone gave me a reason to stay. That someone believed in me, that someone showed me my worth because I could not see it myself.

No matter how much times passes, the pain of the past can seem fresh, like it happened yesterday but so does the freedom of knowing you won the battle.  I have come a long way, I 'm no longer the person I once was and yet so very much the same.

Life can be a burden, but over the years, things change, I have changed and I have more tools, more weapons to fight.  There is more healing to do, there always will be and with each piece of me that I heal and mourn, that I remember and honor, the more peace comes to me. 

Music is helpful to me in my healing. I recently discovered an Irish singer name Foy Vance and found this beautiful song of his called "Burden".  This is one of those songs that you need to sit with and take into yourself.  This is one of those tissue box songs. It was for me anyway.

Normally I'd sign off and say rock on but not today.


Saturday, September 4, 2021

Pick Me Up

Autumn fast approaches which means a time of reflection for me and when my dysthymia hits the hardest. Some years I am okay and hold my own and other years really down in the dumps. I retreat from the world from mid-September until January.  Things pick up come October, when my death date approaches and if the weather is constant days of rain and dark skies, then my mood sinks quickly. 

This year, I can feel the darkness creeping a bit early but each year is different but I have a general idea of what to expect. I have been cranking the tunes as that is one of my tools to dealing with my dysthymia. Yesterday, I discovered I was a day late in learning that Tony Hawk did a cover of Millencolin's "No Cigar." including a music video. It's pretty cool. 

To be honest, I am not familiar with Millencolin but am poking around now. I like discovering new music and learned that Steve Caballero, another skater who was also a member of the Bones Brigade back in the day with Tony was on the song too.  Steve has a band called Urethane with an album coming out in September. I went and checked out his band.

Speaking of the Bones Brigade, I splurged and picked up a Kelvin Hoefler and a Bucky Lasek t-shirt. My birthday was earlier this week and I felt I deserved a treat ofr myself.

I treated myself well this past week as I was also on vacation from my day job.  It felt good to get away but I still feel incredibly burnt out.  Thankfully, I managed to do fun things and even slept in a few days and worked on organizing my story for NaNoWriMo.  I do think things are coming together nicely. I don't have a title yet or settled on the name of my two main characters.  Those will come eventually. 

A few years ago when I was struggling with names for characters, I was watching an episode of Family Guy and noted first and last names of people that sounded interesting.  Some of the last names I turned into first names and created unique names that weren't too odd and fit well for the characters I created. Turns out watching TV can be a good thing. 

Speaking of watching things, I leave you today with a double feature!!!  Tony Hawk's cover of Millencolin's "No Cigar" and Urethane with their track "Gravity" with Steve Caballero rocking out on guitar. FYI, Steve rocks on both tracks!

Rock on!