Wednesday, April 28, 2021

When the Universe Smacks You Upside the Head

I'm in one of my moods although I'm always in a mood. I have dysthymia after all.  Subtle humor there, folks. Turns out I can make fun of myself after all.

From time to time, I dig through the internet to learn more about dysthymia and all the crap that goes with it our surround it.  As of the late, the feeling of being lost has been present. Understandably so given that I’m burnt out from work, it’s been raining for nearly a week and I feel tired and unmotivated. Even though I feel all that and then some, I function. I’m robotic at this point but I have my moments where I work on a craft project and feel good.  What I wouldn’t give to go wander the aisles of a craft store right now.

In my digging, I found this quote:

“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” - Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

The funny thing is, the book this quote is from is sitting in a pile in my office waiting to be read.  I guess the universe decided to smack me upside the head.  Sometimes it has to do that.

I have to admit that being in the “darkened forest" is a familiar place.  It's okay to visit but not a place to stay too long.  To give more context.  I see myself sitting on a fence.  On one side, the darkened forest where my depression, past suicide attempts and all the dark things live. The other side of the fence, is a beautiful meadow with a little cottage near cliffs by the ocean. The majority of days I sit on the fence and from time to time I'm either in the meadow or the forest.

As much as I want to be in the meadow feeling happy and good, it's uncomfortable at times. Like I don't deserve to be there.  When I visit the forest, I feel at home. I recognize it and know what to expect. It's messed up but it's me and I know how to navigate this world. 

I leave you with a Chris Joslin compilation of two runs he did in SLS. Enjoy!

Rock on!

~Maynard




Saturday, April 10, 2021

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I hate this mindset. I hate the feelings that go with it. I do not want to be here. Seriously, why am I here? I have no reason to stay. I have no purpose and whatever purpose I can think of, someone else can probably do it better than me.

It’s tiring to be here. I occupy my time doing little projects to combat my “I give up” voice. I’m tired. I’m tired of COVID, I’m tired of the news, I’m tired of people being jackasses, I’m tried of the world. It’s exhausting to be in it. I'm tired of the daily battle I have with my dysthymia. 

What happened? Is it me or has the world truly turned to crap? I don’t remember things being this bad when I was in high school and college and that includes 7 suicide attempts in there. Seriously, that sucked but what’s going on now in the world makes my suicide attempts seem like the best party to ever go to.

I try to counteract the doom and gloom but it’s hard. I try and find a way. I have been told I am resilient. I find a way to keep going even though I have some resistance. My motivation to do things is a struggle and yet I get up out of bed every morning and go to work. I do things but so often I think staying in bed and watching TV for an entire day would be more rewarding. I wish I had the disposition of skateboarder.  They seem so chill, life is good, they all seem to be in a good headspace or maybe people in California are naturally that way due to all the sunshine. I have no idea.

In the past few months, I’ve tried to find the ‘chill zone’ and be better, be happy, feed my inner self, but I’m failing miserably. I have my moments, but it’s a struggle. Trying to find balance quite frankly is a real pain in the ass! This is my life, and frankly, it’s normal and I’m trying to rise above the standard.

Why can’t I be like Tony Hawk or Bucky Lasek? Seriously, they seem so chill and life seems pretty put together for them.  Bucky especially seems to be in a zen like place a lot of the time in his videos. Life is good. I’m sure he has his moments where things suck but he takes it in stride.  I want that!  I want to be in a good place. I want to be in a place where my headspace is light and cheerful instead of dark and dreary all the damn time.  I deserve that, right? 

I would like to experience an hour or a day where everything is good. 

Should I stay or should I go? For now, I will stay and take care of myself. I will continue to be resilient and find new ways to cope with things. I will find things that make me smile and laugh.

Let's end this on a high note. Kelvin Hoefler has become a new fave of mine to watch in skateboarding so enjoy a couple of tricks of his from SLS a few years ago.

Rock on!

~Maynard