I apologize for my silence. I have been busy with an unexpected rush of Christmas gifts to send out and in recent weeks, was hit with an unexpected flood of emotions.
I was in my storage cage in my building, shuffling things around when I noticed part of a box had somehow gotten wet. It was in one spot and so I opened the box which contained items that had belonged to my mom and dad. Items that were returned to me by the funeral home after then had been cremated. One of the items in the box was a hat that my dad always wore. Somehow it had gotten wet, I have no clue how. The hat had turned moldy, and I needed to throw it away.
I walked to the trash house and felt the tears coming but I pushed them back as I stood in front of the trash bin. I knew I couldn't keep the hat, but it hurt to throw it away. The moment I made it back inside my apartment, the tears came hard. What happened was unexpected. I didn't expect throwing his hat away would trigger me like that. They say time heals, but it would seem five years isn't enough to heal this kind of loss.
On October 14th is my death day. A day where I honor myself but this year, I didn't honor myself in a way I thought I would. This year marked the 30th anniversary of my last suicide attempt. No small feat considering not everyone gets a second chance or in my case seven.
I had planned to donate to a non-profit which I always do every year to honor myself and Sean. For some reason, when I sat down to write a letter, it didn't flow. Something was off and I set the letter aside, never to touch it again as I threw it away a few days later.
I don't know what's going on with me as I can't even find excitement for NaNoWriMo which starts in a few days. I love to write but the thought of writing seems daunting. More than anything, I'd like to go to a mountain top and just scream over and over. Scream out the anger, scream out the frustration, scream out the pain, just scream until I have screamed everything out of me.
All I can do is take care of myself. It is something I want for all of you too. The permission to do what is needed to be in a good place. Something that makes you feel okay.
Today's musical treat is one I discovered by going down the YouTube rabbit hole. I have no idea how I found this cover of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" by Linkin Park. Enjoy.