Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Sunday, February 21, 2021

The Urge to Help

 I have been trying to figure out my need to help people. It comes in waves where I feel I need to do something and sometimes do something like knitting scarves and donate them. Then the motivation goes away only to come back again.

 I want to support organizations or people but often the way I would like to help is not an option.  For instance, I want to help a podcast that has provided me entertainment. You can help them by getting a membership to their YouTube channel or donating in their chat when they do a live feed.  I don’t want to do either of those things. I don’t want a membership as I know myself all too well. I get into something for a good six months and then walk away for a bit and then come back around. I don’t want to donate in the chat because everyone can see how much you donate. Neither of those options appeal to me so I bought a shirt. Not exactly how I wanted to show my support but it's better than nothing. 

 I run into this all the time. I want help but in my own way.  I honestly have a code by which I follow, but I have never sat down to write it all out. I want to help but sometimes don’t know how or even why. I think the creative part of me is itching to do something and because of the pandemic, that has been shut down a bit. I want to help the skateboard community even though I don’t skate. It’s something I’m into right now and know a few months from now my focus will be elsewhere. I did donate to The Skatepark Project (formerly the Tony Hawk Foundation) and they surprised me by reaching out. Mind you I had sent a letter about why I felt moved to donate.  If I’m going to donate money, it might be nice for them to know why.  I didn’t expect a response from them but surprisingly I got one.  

There are lots of things I want to do but feel lost, stuck, unsure, defeated…at least I’m thinking about helping so that’s better than nothing.  Part of what drives me is Sean. That friendship, that connection fuels the desire to help too.  He’s not here anymore and doing good things like donating is a way that I can keep honoring him and our friendship.  He gave me back my life and the least I could do is acknowledge it by honoring him in small ways. He's not around to help other people so maybe I can on his behalf…on our behalf.

 Sean showed me kindness and compassion when many others wouldn’t. In my own way I guess I’m trying to pass it forward. For much of my younger years, I thought I was worthless and didn’t want to live. Depression and suicide had a firm grip on me, and I didn’t see the point in living.  It wasn’t until I met Sean that I learned I had something to offer the world.  Sean helped me find a reason to stay.  He helped steer me in a direction that gave me a new beginning, a new life.

Sean was in my life for about a year and he most definitely left a mark.  A mark that has been burning bright since he died 22 years ago. No one has had an impact on my life like Sean. It was certainly life changing and one I’m glad I went through with him.

I'm sure I'll find a project or group to help out. It stands to reason that part of my code is whether or not the cause is something Sean would have approved of if he was still here. A cause that speaks to both of us.

I hope all of you find a cause of your own and that it brings you joy.  Today's video is one I found by accident and it's pretty cool.

Rock On!


If you are interested in homemade scarves, a friend of mine has opened on online store: Handmade scarves by DeeListed on Etsy