Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Choices & Good Things

 I began reading a book a couple of weeks ago, by a Ph.D. about depression and suicide. I won't mention the book simply because I just started reading it and given it's academic writing style, it takes time to digest.  The author wrote how suicide is not a choice we actually make. That it's made for us. 

I found this to be interesting. The author suggested that suicide is not something we decide we're going to do, it just happens. He noted that suicide happens when we have exceeded our coping-mechanism abilities. The pain is too much and whether we realize it or not, suicide releases us from that pain.

Speaking from my own experiences, thinking back to my teenage years, I don't know when suicide crept into my brain, when it took up residence and began to invade my mind. I don't know what prompted me to want to end my life. That suicide was a solution.  I think it would be fair of me to say that it grew organically. Clearly there were some external factors that contributed to my depression, 

I was never cognizant that I was depressed or suicidal. Never entered my mind. I knew something was wrong, that something had to be wrong with me, but I couldn't name it or describe it. Something was simply "off", but I had no reference to share, and no one ever asked how I was. No one showed a bit of interest or concern for my well-being. I appeared to be a normal teenager but internally I was not normal. Are any of us?

My mental wheels are turning with every sentence in this book. It's a slow read. Academic books are not what I call "fun" reading but I'll get through this book one way or another. 

The past few weeks have a been a rollercoaster of sadness and joy.  My uncle (by marriage) passed away at the end of May. My aunt, who is like a second mom to me, is doing okay but the long distance is tough. I try and call once a week and send her cards every two.

Although, I miss my uncle and was upset with his passing. Thankfully, there were other things to keep me balanced. Things that made me laugh or remind me to keep going. To forge ahead even though I don't know my destination. 

There was plenty of skateboarding content to keep me sane.  Not everyone enjoys skateboarding or gets it. I watch it but I can't name tricks even though I've seen them plenty of times. I think if I actually did skate, trick names would come a lot easier.

Over the past few weeks, we saw Battle at the Berrics 12 come to a year-long conclusion.  COVID-19 really made it go on for longer than anyone thought. Honestly, I enjoyed watching games of skate played every Saturday. It gave me something to look forward too. I was bummed that Luan Oliveira didn't make it to the finals but there is no denying how good of a skater he is.  I wish Jonny Giger had advanced as well but maybe next time around.  If you are curious as to who won, you can watch the final three matches over at Caffeine. You will not find it on The Berrics YouTube channel, but all the games played before finals night can be found there. There were some really good matches!!

Tony Hawk and Jason Ellis keep kicking out awesome shows for their Hawk vs. Wolf podcast. They had Colin McKay on recently and it was great to hear him tell stories. I often thought he was left out of vert discussions or being interviewed so this was a welcome surprise as I was always curious about him. Not to mention Tony and Jason's chemistry to keep me laughing.

Bucky Lasek had a Project Brat car update with his daughter. That was cool. Why Bucky thought he could outrun the Brat I'm not sure, but it was fun to watch. I'm willing to bet that had he been on his skateboard, he might have won the race. 

Besides skateboarding, I watched seasons 1 and 2 of The Orville again. It's what I needed and while doing all of that, I managed to make two more door wreaths. Helps keep my hands busy. 

I have rambled a lot in this post and so I will leave you today with a classic from the band, Chicago. Their 1971 hit - Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Rock on!