Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Monday, August 29, 2022

We Could All Use a Little Mr. Rogers

 "If we can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health" - Fred Rogers

YouTube works in strange ways as a video popped up of people reviewing snippets from episodes of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The people viewing the video lived outside the US and did not know who Mr. Rogers was. I watched the video and then another video popped up that I had seen before.

The world is in such chaos, but we could all use a bit of Mr. Rogers in our lives. I watched Mr. Rogers all the time as a kid. One cannot forget him changing into his red sweater and changing his shoes. Indeed, the world could use Mr. Rogers, he is sorely missed. This is a link to a May 1969 video where Mr. Rogers appears before the U.S. Commerce Committee to get funding for public television. I cannot explain why it made me cry but it did.

I am currently on vacation this week as work has been super exhausting. I am glad to be away from it. I can focus on me this week and other things such as prepping for NaNoWriMo. I have no idea what to write this year. I have a couple of ideas but not sure. I think this will be my last year of doing it as I will hit the 1-million-word mark. That's a lot of writing!

Mentally I am tired, beaten down by an invisible opponent who is really good at trash-talking me. I have been chipping away at the book I am reading on depression. It has gotten me thinking. We say that depression is "not normal" but what if it is normal? If everyone allegedly has at least one depressive episode in their life, then would we consider that normal?

And what is normal exactly? Are the people who define normal qualified to dictate what's normal? I know, this is one of those mind burners. I don't have an answer. I don't know if I will think of one either. It's okay if I don't.

Okay folks. I'm out of here. For some reason I'm on a Huey Lewis & The New kick so enjoy "Hip to Be Square" as your music treat.

Rock on!


Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Pulling Back from the Brink

Days filled with frustrations, sorrow and tears; these are days that I should fear because the pain that I carry rises to the surface. It consumes me. The darkness swarms wildly, the world out of control as I try to find something to make it stop. No matter how much I want the mental storm to stop, it stops when it wants to, not because I beg it to.

When the thoughts in my brain turn into a wrathful thunderstorm, I struggle to find comfort, to find safety and to find a good memory to hold onto to keep me from going over the edge. The pain of depression pushes people to a place they don't want to go.  How much we can endure is different from person to person. We all have a tolerance level. 

I have had more days than I like where the darkness pushes me hard to a place I don't want to go. I resist if I can but some days, I have no choice but to submit and let it steamroll me. I am burnt-out from work and have been feeling exhausted for some time, it's not a good combination when you need to battle a dark invisible force. Yes, it turns out one needs to pick their battles.  

Scouring YouTube has been a bit helpful and finding things to watch that make me laugh.  Even things I've watched a thousand times before has helped me keep going. I cannot lie though. I am tired, exhausted and struggle some days more than others in finding comfort. When it comes to parenting myself, I could use improvement.

Fall fast approaches. It signals a time of year for which I mourn and reminisce, I retreat into myself and am more vulnerable. If I am vulnerable now, how much more will I be in a few weeks? I have vacation coming up in two weeks which will allow me a chance to catch my breath.

For now, I will battle on and I know all of you will too. We will find our ways to carry on.

Today's musical treat is 'Calling All Angels' from Train. It blows my mind that this song came out in 2013. Seems like it was more recent.  Funny how time plays with you.

Rock on!


Wednesday, August 10, 2022

The Rollercoaster Never Stops

There are days where a song can speak to you on multiple levels.  You don't know why but each word, each note, the melody itself or a particular instrument moves you. Your inner world simply responds. The song is saying things you need to hear. 

I was going through my CD collection and popped in my Sam Cooke CD. I hadn't listened to it in a long time and the mood I was in seemed right.  When 'A Change Is Gonna Come' came on the sound of the strings and Sam's voice put me in a different place.

I felt like I should have been in a home library, record playing, a fire roaring in the fireplace, while I sat in a chair casually drinking a bourbon while swaying to the music. Simply getting lost in the arrangement. It's such a strange image given that I don't have a home library, a fireplace or drink bourbon. In all honestly, I don't drink at all.

My mood and mental thoughts have had me riding the rollercoaster. There are moments where I am okay and other moments where I am not and wish I had someone to hug in that moment. Life can be tiring at times.  I keep moving forward whether I want to or not.

Last week, I had a friend come over for dinner and relayed a conversation I had with someone else and how I picked up on the fact that things I said caused a bit of worry.  I never mean to worry anyone, but I have learned that society kinds of make those that are struggling feel guilty for struggling.  I had to assure both of my friends that I was okay even if I wasn't okay.

I recently learned that part of why I feel lost is that I never fully mourned my dad's passing. I didn't really have the time to do so because life required so much of me. I didn't mourn but kind of half-assed it. The other discovery I learned had to do with moving. When I moved from the house I had lived in for 43 years to my new place a part of me got left behind. A part of me never made the move.

I'm still working through that and what I mean by that. For as long as I lived in that house, I have no memories. I have memories but nothing that evokes strong emotions. Something to chew on.

Today, I leave you with Sam Cooke's 'A Change Is Gonna Come' as your musical treat. 

Rock on!


Tuesday, August 2, 2022

On the Upbeat

Today has been a rollercoaster of a day. I did cry for a bit. I felt better to have a moment to let all the stuff inside out. Thankfully, I'm not one of those that need a pint of ice cream to drown my sorrows. cream does sound good right about now.  A nice pint of black raspberry ice cream would do nicely.

I cried a few tears and trudged through work like usual. 

I did have some upbeat moments when I learned Bucky Lasek has uploaded a new video to his BuckYeah channel.  It's been an awesome week for him. He hit 50K subscribers on his channel and did an interview on The Nine Club with Chris Roberts.  I am patiently waiting for a Colin McKay interview.

I saw Jonny Giger posted a new video of a trick that seems to be stumping people in what the name of the trick is. I watched the video. It looked like an impossible but maybe nollie something with a flip? HA HA. I'm not a skater. I have no idea. Looks neat to me. If you feel like giving a guess, I'm sure Jonny would welcome a comment.

Skateboarding gave me an oomph in the mood department and then I stumbled upon a song from the Go Go's that was released in 1981. I would have been ten years old. I love music and it's surprising that I know most of the lyrics to this song after all this time.

I leave you with a short post today as I managed to get a bit of reprieve from the darkness. Gray skies are better than dark stormy skies. Enjoy the musical treat of 'Our Lips Are Sealed' from the Go-Go's. Turn it up and be silly for this one.

Rock on!


Monday, August 1, 2022

Broken Pieces is All That I Am

I admit the battle within me rages on. I have been feeling beaten down, exhausted and wondering why I am still here. I have no motivation. I acknowledge I have to go get my mail or take out the trash but the motivation to put on my shoes and walk outside is pretty non-existent.

I find motivation in going grocery shopping which is interesting since most people hate doing it. I enjoy going in the early morning hours and making my way through the store without being rushed. It's a leisurely stroll.  I do hate the self-checkout because it requires me to pack my own stuff.  I have motivation to shop but whatever motivation I have is killed by the self-checkout register. 

I have been feeling lost for a long time. I struggle with being here on this planet. I see no reason to stay. In all honesty, I have no reason to stay. Both of my parents are dead, I have no siblings, and I am not close to any extended family because I hardly ever saw them growing up as they live across country. All through the pandemic not a single one of my friends called or emailed to check in on me. No one ever does.

I manage to get up out of bed and go to work which is becoming harder to deal with.  I swear people don't know how to problem-solve or figure shit out. Seriously, has the whole world turned stupid? People are so lazy at work that they can't bother to read a guide or watch a video and educate themself. They'd rather go get an immediate answer...and that answer usually lies with me. Ugh. 

I am burnt out from work. Honestly, way past burnt out. I was supposed to take two weeks off back in 2020 but that got canned due to a new hire in my department who decided to start the week of my break. I couldn't go on vacation as there would be no one to train her how to do her job. Let me be clear, the department is made up of two people - me and her. So yeah, kind of have to train her. I have taken breaks, but I need an extended one for sure.

Watching skateboarding still lifts me up and the recent X-Games was a wonderful diversion for me and my brain even though I am in pain. Not physically but emotionally, mentally...I am weighed down. I am exhausted and ready to go and yet, I get up every day and go to work and play video games, watch TV (thank you AMC for showing Caddyshack) and go down the hall once a week to hang out with friends. I read, work on crafts but it does not sustain me like it once did. Even listening to music seems dull. Music that normally would get me feeling good seems lifeless and bland.

I did have a friend and a co-worker come over recently for dinner which was nice but did nothing to really recharge me or change my motivation except to dust, vacuum and power wash my kitchen.

I don't care and yet I care. It's a cycle for sure and at some point, I have to run into a square or a triangle.  I need to run in some other direction.  I'll gladly take a parallelogram. What a nice change of scenery that would be. Did I just use a geometry reference? That's surprising consider how horrible I am at math.

See folks, even when down in the dumps I can somehow manage to make a funny. It's not a good one but it's decent enough to crack a smile. I'll take it!

Today, I leave you with a musical treat from Apocalyptica - actually a double feature! Enjoy 'Not Strong Enough" featuring Brent Smith and 'Broken Pieces' featuring Lacey.

Rock On!