Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

On the Upbeat

Today has been a rollercoaster of a day. I did cry for a bit. I felt better to have a moment to let all the stuff inside out. Thankfully, I'm not one of those that need a pint of ice cream to drown my sorrows. Hmm...ice cream does sound good right about now.  A nice pint of black raspberry ice cream would do nicely.

I cried a few tears and trudged through work like usual. 

I did have some upbeat moments when I learned Bucky Lasek has uploaded a new video to his BuckYeah channel.  It's been an awesome week for him. He hit 50K subscribers on his channel and did an interview on The Nine Club with Chris Roberts.  I am patiently waiting for a Colin McKay interview.

I saw Jonny Giger posted a new video of a trick that seems to be stumping people in what the name of the trick is. I watched the video. It looked like an impossible but maybe nollie something with a flip? HA HA. I'm not a skater. I have no idea. Looks neat to me. If you feel like giving a guess, I'm sure Jonny would welcome a comment.

Skateboarding gave me an oomph in the mood department and then I stumbled upon a song from the Go Go's that was released in 1981. I would have been ten years old. I love music and it's surprising that I know most of the lyrics to this song after all this time.

I leave you with a short post today as I managed to get a bit of reprieve from the darkness. Gray skies are better than dark stormy skies. Enjoy the musical treat of 'Our Lips Are Sealed' from the Go-Go's. Turn it up and be silly for this one.

Rock on!

~Maynard



Monday, August 1, 2022

Broken Pieces is All That I Am

I admit the battle within me rages on. I have been feeling beaten down, exhausted and wondering why I am still here. I have no motivation. I acknowledge I have to go get my mail or take out the trash but the motivation to put on my shoes and walk outside is pretty non-existent.

I find motivation in going grocery shopping which is interesting since most people hate doing it. I enjoy going in the early morning hours and making my way through the store without being rushed. It's a leisurely stroll.  I do hate the self-checkout because it requires me to pack my own stuff.  I have motivation to shop but whatever motivation I have is killed by the self-checkout register. 

I have been feeling lost for a long time. I struggle with being here on this planet. I see no reason to stay. In all honesty, I have no reason to stay. Both of my parents are dead, I have no siblings, and I am not close to any extended family because I hardly ever saw them growing up as they live across country. All through the pandemic not a single one of my friends called or emailed to check in on me. No one ever does.

I manage to get up out of bed and go to work which is becoming harder to deal with.  I swear people don't know how to problem-solve or figure shit out. Seriously, has the whole world turned stupid? People are so lazy at work that they can't bother to read a guide or watch a video and educate themself. They'd rather go get an immediate answer...and that answer usually lies with me. Ugh. 

I am burnt out from work. Honestly, way past burnt out. I was supposed to take two weeks off back in 2020 but that got canned due to a new hire in my department who decided to start the week of my break. I couldn't go on vacation as there would be no one to train her how to do her job. Let me be clear, the department is made up of two people - me and her. So yeah, kind of have to train her. I have taken breaks, but I need an extended one for sure.

Watching skateboarding still lifts me up and the recent X-Games was a wonderful diversion for me and my brain even though I am in pain. Not physically but emotionally, mentally...I am weighed down. I am exhausted and ready to go and yet, I get up every day and go to work and play video games, watch TV (thank you AMC for showing Caddyshack) and go down the hall once a week to hang out with friends. I read, work on crafts but it does not sustain me like it once did. Even listening to music seems dull. Music that normally would get me feeling good seems lifeless and bland.

I did have a friend and a co-worker come over recently for dinner which was nice but did nothing to really recharge me or change my motivation except to dust, vacuum and power wash my kitchen.

I don't care and yet I care. It's a cycle for sure and at some point, I have to run into a square or a triangle.  I need to run in some other direction.  I'll gladly take a parallelogram. What a nice change of scenery that would be. Did I just use a geometry reference? That's surprising consider how horrible I am at math.

See folks, even when down in the dumps I can somehow manage to make a funny. It's not a good one but it's decent enough to crack a smile. I'll take it!

Today, I leave you with a musical treat from Apocalyptica - actually a double feature! Enjoy 'Not Strong Enough" featuring Brent Smith and 'Broken Pieces' featuring Lacey.

Rock On!

~Maynard




Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Choices & Good Things

 I began reading a book a couple of weeks ago, by a Ph.D. about depression and suicide. I won't mention the book simply because I just started reading it and given it's academic writing style, it takes time to digest.  The author wrote how suicide is not a choice we actually make. That it's made for us. 

I found this to be interesting. The author suggested that suicide is not something we decide we're going to do, it just happens. He noted that suicide happens when we have exceeded our coping-mechanism abilities. The pain is too much and whether we realize it or not, suicide releases us from that pain.

Speaking from my own experiences, thinking back to my teenage years, I don't know when suicide crept into my brain, when it took up residence and began to invade my mind. I don't know what prompted me to want to end my life. That suicide was a solution.  I think it would be fair of me to say that it grew organically. Clearly there were some external factors that contributed to my depression, 

I was never cognizant that I was depressed or suicidal. Never entered my mind. I knew something was wrong, that something had to be wrong with me, but I couldn't name it or describe it. Something was simply "off", but I had no reference to share, and no one ever asked how I was. No one showed a bit of interest or concern for my well-being. I appeared to be a normal teenager but internally I was not normal. Are any of us?

My mental wheels are turning with every sentence in this book. It's a slow read. Academic books are not what I call "fun" reading but I'll get through this book one way or another. 

The past few weeks have a been a rollercoaster of sadness and joy.  My uncle (by marriage) passed away at the end of May. My aunt, who is like a second mom to me, is doing okay but the long distance is tough. I try and call once a week and send her cards every two.

Although, I miss my uncle and was upset with his passing. Thankfully, there were other things to keep me balanced. Things that made me laugh or remind me to keep going. To forge ahead even though I don't know my destination. 

There was plenty of skateboarding content to keep me sane.  Not everyone enjoys skateboarding or gets it. I watch it but I can't name tricks even though I've seen them plenty of times. I think if I actually did skate, trick names would come a lot easier.

Over the past few weeks, we saw Battle at the Berrics 12 come to a year-long conclusion.  COVID-19 really made it go on for longer than anyone thought. Honestly, I enjoyed watching games of skate played every Saturday. It gave me something to look forward too. I was bummed that Luan Oliveira didn't make it to the finals but there is no denying how good of a skater he is.  I wish Jonny Giger had advanced as well but maybe next time around.  If you are curious as to who won, you can watch the final three matches over at Caffeine. You will not find it on The Berrics YouTube channel, but all the games played before finals night can be found there. There were some really good matches!!

Tony Hawk and Jason Ellis keep kicking out awesome shows for their Hawk vs. Wolf podcast. They had Colin McKay on recently and it was great to hear him tell stories. I often thought he was left out of vert discussions or being interviewed so this was a welcome surprise as I was always curious about him. Not to mention Tony and Jason's chemistry to keep me laughing.

Bucky Lasek had a Project Brat car update with his daughter. That was cool. Why Bucky thought he could outrun the Brat I'm not sure, but it was fun to watch. I'm willing to bet that had he been on his skateboard, he might have won the race. 

Besides skateboarding, I watched seasons 1 and 2 of The Orville again. It's what I needed and while doing all of that, I managed to make two more door wreaths. Helps keep my hands busy. 

I have rambled a lot in this post and so I will leave you today with a classic from the band, Chicago. Their 1971 hit - Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Rock on!

~Maynard




Saturday, May 28, 2022

Crossroads

This post is a rant. After a long week at work, and many months of thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be here. The interesting thing about not wanting to be here, there are no thoughts of killing myself. Makes me wonder what kind of scheme my inner saboteur is up to and why haven't I figured it out.

I am tired, exhausted, burnt out, drained from 30 years since my last attempt and dealing with life, dealing with my dysthymia and battling every day to not go to the dark place where suicide takes over my life and plunges me into extreme darkness. I vowed I'd never go back to the days of wanting to kill myself and yet I am at a crossroad inflicted upon me by the back-to-back deaths of my parents, leaving a home I lived in nearly my whole life, the damn pandemic and adjusting to a world where the only person who seems to give a shit about me is...me. I have people who care about me, I think.  I make an effort to reach out and stay connected, but the response is crickets a lot of the time.

In a really wacked out world, if Tony Hawk or Bucky Lasek or any skateboarder for that matter said, "I care, you matter to me." I'd probably laugh but at the same time a part of me would welcome it. At least, I'd know I was seen, that even a damn stranger thought me worthy enough to acknowledge my existence. The chances of Tony or Bucky knowing of my existence is zilch but maybe that's okay. I don't need their validation but maybe I do. 

What contributions have I made to society? Not a whole lot I suppose.  As much as I've tried to make a difference, I probably haven't. For all the donations I've made over the years to various organizations has my kindness made a difference? Has it??

No wonder I'm grumpy.

No wonder I'm tired.

No wonder I don't want to be here.

Don't worry folks, I have no intention of offing myself. I simply don't want to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm exhausted from trying to do good things to feed my inner self and the external world and not seeing it help.

There is no proof that my existence has made a difference. If I died right now, not a big deal, no one would care. Life goes on.

If there is an afterlife, one thing is certain, I wouldn't want to be there either.

Your music treat for today is Shinedown - How Did You Love. Enjoy!

Rock on!

~Maynard



Sunday, May 15, 2022

Broken

 As a writer, I often delve into my mind and the world around me for ideas. I have hit a bit of a dry spell as my muse seems to be on vacation. Admittedly, it's well-earned. My daily journal writing has been non-existent as well. This blog has been my only outlet and at times, my brain pops an idea on what to write but then the moment my fingers hit the keyboard that idea vanishes. 

Between my dysthymia and my exploration of understanding it and my inner self, I travel to dark destinations and work through the stuff people fear to admit or see when they look in the mirror. I've done this so much in my life that I can't hide. I cannot ignore or pretend I didn't think a certain thought or dark idea. 

Moments of happiness are very fleeting for me. As much I would like to be happy, it's a chore for me to be that way. Sure, I can watch a comedy special or a movie and laugh for an hour or two but after it's done, I'm back to my baseline of my normal life, my normal world of feeling lost and uncertain of what my exact purpose is on this planet.

The place I am right now, is a place that people would numb themselves with drugs or alcohol. I have been fortunate to not fall that way. Each step is painful but not in the physical sense. There are moments where I am okay and then in a moment, a wave falls hard over me, drowning me in darkness and as quick as it came in, it frees me, allowing me to breathe again. 

With the death of my parents, moving out of the only place I knew as home, the pandemic and working from home, I feel...broken. I am broken and don't know how to fix this feeling. I'm doing my best to keep writing, to find moments of laughter, to delve into new crafts, writing letters and sending cards to friends, doing good deeds from my laptop, sending all the good I can out into the world even though I don't feel good inside. I am broken.

I have been broken for a long, long time but had found a place where I was at peace with my broken self.  We lived amicably for years. These days, I struggle to find the common ground I once had with this part of myself.

What is my purpose? Why am I even here? I feel lost. I lack motivation. I don't really care about much these days. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? If so, it sucks.

I have to think, not necessarily believe, that a mid-life crisis might come later, but I do have to think that my issue with feeling broken and lost, will resolve itself. Until I figure it out, not knowing if I actually will, I'll continue to send cards to my friends, do my crafts and continue to watch Jonny Giger skate videos, and any other videos or movies that put a smile on my face. 

I will end this post with a song from Jonthan Roy, I'm not familiar with his music but found this video traveling down the YT rabbit hole. Take care of yourselves and indulge in something fun. You owe it to yourself. 

Rock on!

~Maynard