Battle Scars and the 3rd Path

It has been a while since I have posted on here. I do apologize for that as the past few months have been not so great. It is no secret that I share my struggles with my dysthymia but always trying to move forward and understand, always trying to discover myself. 

One day, in the most random of ways I had thought about the famous poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken. Most of us are familiar with this poem in one form or another as it talks about taking the road less traveled by and how that has made a difference. I got to thinking, what if neither road - the one everyone takes, or the one less traveled by are the right path? What if there is a third path that no one has touched? Each step is a new discovery of some kind, you simply don't know what will greet you after four steps or 10,000 steps. You have to take a step to see what is next. 

What you discover won't always make sense up front either. That is where I find myself as I have been delving into military-themed YouTube channels. I've stuck to just a small few. I think I am drawn to the hosts in these videos as there is something there for me.  It is the struggle of finding light in the darkness. Something I know a lot about.  I am fully aware that my battles with suicide and depression cannot come close to the battles that military personnel have endured but I think I can find some common ground with them. 

My pull to the military has resulted in me buying five books. I cracked the first one called Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows by Jason Fox. It talks about his depression and PTSD. At one point in the book, he talks about jumping off a cliff, deciding whether or not to end his life.  That hit me hard and for good reason as I thought about jumping from a roof for one of my attempts. Admittedly, I read his words and had to stop. I couldn't put the book down and simply sat on the page. I was frozen, lost in my own memory only to resume the chapter, each word eerily reflecting my own moment of despair.  A part of me felt like I was standing with him on that cliff, but I was not filled with despair but calmness. I wanted to talk to him and tell him - this is not our path, it seems like it, the darkness so inviting but this isn't our path, it's not our way.

I have three chapters to go in the book, but it has been a good read. I am glad I went with his book first.  The other books in my pile are by Ollie Ollerton, Mark "Billy" Billingham and Sean Rogers. 

I am way behind in watching movies and completely forgot that there was a Matrix 4 - Matrix: Resurrections. It was a decent movie even if I didn't quite follow all of the storyline.  There is a scene where Thomas Anderson/Neo is in a meeting with his therapist/The Analyst and the therapist makes a comment how he's a suicide survivor and talks about how Tom tried to jump off a building.  I was like, "finally", some recognition to call someone who has made an attempt not an attempted suicide survivor (ass), but simply suicide survivor.  Hallelujah!  The only thing about the movie that bummed me out, and not really the movie itself but the damn trailer for the movie had an incredible version of White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane but yet the damn song is NOT on the movie soundtrack unless they renamed it.  The orchestration for it in the movie trailer is awesome. It has such a full rich sound, with texture and colors. The way it slow burns is awesome and it's a shame that the version in the trailer doesn't seem to be available.

This has been my life recently, swimming around in other people's trauma - real or fictionalized, finding things that resonate with me. Admittedly, I have been struggling, trying to understand my pull to the military and finding my path again. For a while now I have felt lost, unsure of what it is that I should be doing. I have sought nourishment from those around me only to be ignored so I am pulling back and focusing on those that actually stay in touch with me. For four years I have been trying to feed myself with something I like doing but it is hard to keep going when there is nothing to show for it. It's a one-way relationship and it's time to cut my losses.

I need to create a world for me, answering desires to do something even if I don't understand the "why" fully such as my recent project of sending items for care packages for military personnel. I felt like I needed to and so I did. I even sent an 8-page letter to be put in a care package so some lucky or un-lucky solider will get 8 pages of me rambling. I did put a couple of humorous stories in there for a good chuckle. 

Today's music treat, I went digging a bit, all the way back to 1986 - I was still in high school when this song game out. Enjoy GTR - When the Heart Rules the Mind.

Rock On!

~Maynard

Winter Blah

 It's been a while, huh?

I have a lot of catching up to do with this blog and apologize for the absence.  It is no secret given the title of my blog that I deal with dysthymia. This can be a pain in the ass as I haven't felt motivated to do much of anything these past few months.

In my quest to be more active I bought a walking pad that I had to return.  False advertising and the thing was horrible to adjust.  So, I returned the walking pad and bought an exercise bike. Honestly, I should have bought that first. I have been on it every other day so while not great, it's better than nothing. Plus, I'm not training for the Tour de France, so I'm fine with slowly working up my time spent on it. 

I recently tried a book nook kit, which was fun. I opted to try another kit, so we'll see how it goes. The newer kit is more complex so it will take longer to put together but I'm okay with that. 

My day job is okay. Some days it drives me nuts, not so much the work but my co-workers. Honestly, I don't know what it is with 20 somethings not knowing how to problem solve. They want you to give them the answers instead of finding them on their own. There are videos, guides, so many resources that the company provides to help someone do their job, but do they look things up? No. It's much easier to ask your co-worker who has been around for 20+ years.  When started with the company, there were no guides, no videos. The woman who trained me gave me a half page document with the basics and that was it. I had to figure the rest of my job out on my own.

I try not to write about work here but while I'm at it, if anyone reading this blog is looking for work - do yourself a favor and put your contact information on your resume!!!  I can't stress this enough.  It does not matter if you filled out an online form or submitted a cover letter.  Your resume will get passed around to others who don't have access to your application submission.  I could give more advice given the amount of resumes I've processed through the years but contact information is the big one. 

My project in my spare room moves slowly and at times not at all. Like I said, motivation to do anything while dealing with dysthymia is a tricky thing.  I do have moments where I can chip away for 30 minutes and then my motivation vanishes. 

I guess you could say I dabble in things. I do a little of this and a little of that all the time. I have been doing brain games to entertain myself and other little projects.  Trying new things is a nice change of pace.

Even listening to music is a welcome change of pace. I have added new albums to my collection, in genres that I normally wouldn't listen too.  I have turned back to bands that I listened to a lot in years past such as Megadeth.  It's interesting when you put an old album and reconnect with it.  When you listen to older songs, they may sound dated and then there are other songs or albums that have stood the test of time. You might find a hidden gem or a song you forgot about. 

I leave you not with a hidden gem but a song I forgot about but was happy to rediscover. For your music treat I leave you with "Almost Honest" by Megadeth from their Cryptic Writings album which came out in 1997.  Can't believe it's been that long!

Rock on!

~Maynard

Walking and Writing

It's been a while since I wrote. First off, I did meet my walking challenge back in September for Mission 22. I walked 48+ miles. I finished before the end of the month and was happy that I was able to meet the goal. I did donate and write them a letter for which I received a very unexpected surprise. I did not expect this at all, but it brought me to tears. When your heart is in the right place, good things do happen.

With it being November, NaNoWriMo is here! I am happy to say that I hit the 50,000-word count. I actually went over the limit - 75,000+ and hit a bigger target of 1 million words.  Now that I have hit the 1 million plus word count, I will retire from doing this challenge. I started participating in 2005 and so it is fitting to end on a high note.

I don't have much else to report. I have been buying more vinyl albums, adding to my collection and expanding into genres I normally wouldn't listen to. I have also found things that have struck up memories from my childhood.  I recently bought albums from Electric Light Orchestra, Cozy Cole, and George Benson. 

As a matter of fact, your musical treat is George Benson's guitar masterpiece "On Broadway".

Rock On!

~Maynard

September Walking for Mission 22

My bad knees and my feet are screaming a little but I'm happy to report I'm 18 miles in on the 48-mile challenge for Mission 22. We've had a lot of hot weather here which is uncommon for this time of year in Vermont. I am so glad that September weather will be here in a couple of days. I'd really like to open my screen doors again to enjoy the fresh air and turn off my A/C.

In regard to the challenge, I had to take a day of rest yesterday. My feet were hurting way too much, and I need to rest them and my left knee. It was very much needed and was able to go out this morning for a mile and then logged more steps late this afternoon. 

They say that walking is good for you physically and for uplifting your mood. I have to say that mentally, it hasn't made me feel happier.  It has had no impact on my overall mood. I suppose there are moments where a song is on that I pick up a little, but it has to do with the song more so than my mood. 

I decided to do the 48-mile challenge and walk for my dad mostly and the servicemen whose letters were shredded by my aunt.  Yes, I haven't let that go yet and suspect I won't for a little while longer.  I have to work through it still.  I know why I feel the way I do, that shredding of the letters was like erasing their service to their country and I have to reconcile that. Doing the challenge is my way of not forgetting their service. That serving their country does mean something. 

I did not officially sign up with Mission 22 simply because in order to do so you have to go through Facebook and I'm not doing that.  I don't have a FB account and not about to start one now. 

Other than my aching feet and bad knees, I'm a little ahead of where I need to be with the walk. It will be tight until the end. This isn't a writing challenge, and anything can happen.  I am thinking of having my friends take a picture of me when I complete the challenge, wearing either one of my Til Valhalla shirts or maybe my KITGOD shirt.  I could do both and do a halfway point picture and one at the end. 

I'm not one for having my picture taken but I guess I can do these. If I feel inclined to do a newsletter for Christmas, I'll have something to write about. Speaking of writing, I have no idea what I will do for this year's NaNoWriMo. I'm about 75,000 words short. I told myself I would stop when I hit 1 million words.  I don't know if I have a story, I could write that could be 75,000 words. Honestly, I have no ideas for this year yet and it's bumming me out. I'm all out of ideas, I guess.  I'm so close to 1 million words and yet it seems like a very daunting task. I'll figure it out.

Today's musical treat is Dinah Washington's version of "September in the Rain" which she released in 1961. 

Rock on!

~Maynard

The Missing Letters - Part Two

 The shredding of my letters from Desert Storm still hang with me. I think this is due in part to the fact my dad had served in the military way back in the day. I'm talking late 60's, early 70's. 

When I moved, I was leaving a place I had called home for 43 years. I left so many physical items and memories behind, the most painful one was finding my dad collapsed on the floor.  I took what I could with me to my new home but there was no way I could take everything my parents owned or the things I owned with me.

I should have been paying more attention to my aunt when she was shredding papers and going through the family safe. It's understandable to shred a quiz from when I was in the first grade, but it belonged to me and she should have asked before shredding, especially the letters.

I guess in some strange, odd way, those letters represented more than just servicemen writing back to a stranger who sent a letter of support to them during a time of war. So many members of my family from great-grandfathers to cousins and then some served - Air Force, Army, Marines and Navy. These members of my family, some of whom I've never met, served their country.

When my aunt shredded the letters that I got from servicemen involved in the Gulf War it was like their service was - erased. I can't explain that thought or the feelings that go with it.  It was like these men were thrown away - discarded.  I'm sure my aunt had no idea that her shredding of the letters would cause me to feel this way.  I don't why she shredded them. I never asked because when I thought about the letters, it was too late. They were long gone.

I guess this is the sticking point of it all.  These were letters written to me.  She should have asked if I still wanted them. Had she asked, I would have told her that I absolutely wanted to keep them.  I would have never thrown those letters away because doing so would have seemed disrespectful to these men who served our country.

I have never been overly patriotic, but my dad raised me well enough to respect members of our military. He ran a small business for years and always hired former military. When he was in the hospital recuperating from cutting his finger off (they tried to reattach it, but it didn't work), he said the only nurse on duty who knew what they were doing, was an older woman who had served in the Army. My dad said she knew how to make a bed the right way and was a hoot.

Writing those letters long ago was my way of showing support. I love writing, so writing a letter makes sense. There are other ways to show support such as supporting a veteran run business. There are memorial walks and donating to organizations that help veterans.

I'm thinking of participating in Mission 22's September 48-mile walk challenge. I don't think I'll officially sign up but silently show my support. Thankfully, you walk 48 miles for the month. I'm debating on whether or not to do this. If I do it, hopefully my bad knees and bad feet won't scream at me too much. Genetics suck!  Both of my parents had bad knees and my feet are messed up especially my left one.  Trust me when I tell you that dropping a 14 lbs. electric bike battery on your foot followed by two cans of soup two days later will mess up your foot.  It's simply never been the same.

Maybe doing this walk will mend the feeling of the lost letters.  I have a few more days to decide whether I will commit or channel my energy down another path. I'll let you know.

Okay, time to end this ramble. Your musical treat today will be "Burning Bridges" the theme song to the movie Kelly's Heroes that I remember watching with my dad as a kid.  My mom loved Clint Eastwood and my dad liked war movies so this one was watched often.

Rock on!

~Maynard