Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Small Gestures Can Heal

This will be one of those strange posts.  You'll have to deal with it a little while longer people.  NaNoWriMo is coming and future posts will be about writing but for now, something else takes precedence. 

I have to admit that over the past couple of weeks I’ve sensed Sean or what I perceive to be him. It’s a complicated feeling. In recent days I’ve sensed strong feelings of appreciation mixed with happy crying. I found a man in Connecticut who is willing to deliver flowers to Sean’s grave and take a photo of it.  This guy has a business and this is what he does.

I was so happy to find this guy. It put me at ease as it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for many, many years. To visit Sean's grave or at the very least leave flowers somehow.  I think on some level doing so heals me, it brings a resolution to Sean’s passing as I never said good-bye to him.  For 21 years I think that's what I have been trying to do but never finding the right way to honor him and this year, knowing that flowers will be put on his grave gives me a sense of peace.  It feels right.

I think this gesture of leaving flowers on Sean's grave would make him happy.   I can't explain what I sense and maybe what I feel is simply me on a deeper level I haven't spoken with. I sense that Sean is happy crying simply because he's being acknowledged because he's been neglected.  I don't know if Sean's family ever visits his grave but I'd like to think they do even though a part of me tells me they don't.  Given their silence over the years when I've reached out to them, I suspect they don't visit. I could be wrong but from my other interactions with them in the past before Sean died I have reason to believe they don't go. 

As long as I'm alive, Sean is not forgotten or ignored, in life and in death he is remembered and acknowledged.  My friendship with Sean was complicated as was his life but for all the heartache he caused, it all worked out in the end.

Today, I leave you with the musical stylings of Matt Andersen.

Rock on!