It has been a while since I have posted on here. I do apologize for that as the past few months have been not so great. It is no secret that I share my struggles with my dysthymia but always trying to move forward and understand, always trying to discover myself.
One day, in the most random of ways I had thought about the famous poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken. Most of us are familiar with this poem in one form or another as it talks about taking the road less traveled by and how that has made a difference. I got to thinking, what if neither road - the one everyone takes, or the one less traveled by are the right path? What if there is a third path that no one has touched? Each step is a new discovery of some kind, you simply don't know what will greet you after four steps or 10,000 steps. You have to take a step to see what is next.
What you discover won't always make sense up front either. That is where I find myself as I have been delving into military-themed YouTube channels. I've stuck to just a small few. I think I am drawn to the hosts in these videos as there is something there for me. It is the struggle of finding light in the darkness. Something I know a lot about. I am fully aware that my battles with suicide and depression cannot come close to the battles that military personnel have endured but I think I can find some common ground with them.
My pull to the military has resulted in me buying five books. I cracked the first one called Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows by Jason Fox. It talks about his depression and PTSD. At one point in the book, he talks about jumping off a cliff, deciding whether or not to end his life. That hit me hard and for good reason as I thought about jumping from a roof for one of my attempts. Admittedly, I read his words and had to stop. I couldn't put the book down and simply sat on the page. I was frozen, lost in my own memory only to resume the chapter, each word eerily reflecting my own moment of despair. A part of me felt like I was standing with him on that cliff, but I was not filled with despair but calmness. I wanted to talk to him and tell him - this is not our path, it seems like it, the darkness so inviting but this isn't our path, it's not our way.
I have three chapters to go in the book, but it has been a good read. I am glad I went with his book first. The other books in my pile are by Ollie Ollerton, Mark "Billy" Billingham and Sean Rogers.
I am way behind in watching movies and completely forgot that there was a Matrix 4 - Matrix: Resurrections. It was a decent movie even if I didn't quite follow all of the storyline. There is a scene where Thomas Anderson/Neo is in a meeting with his therapist/The Analyst and the therapist makes a comment how he's a suicide survivor and talks about how Tom tried to jump off a building. I was like, "finally", some recognition to call someone who has made an attempt not an attempted suicide survivor (ass), but simply suicide survivor. Hallelujah! The only thing about the movie that bummed me out, and not really the movie itself but the damn trailer for the movie had an incredible version of White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane but yet the damn song is NOT on the movie soundtrack unless they renamed it. The orchestration for it in the movie trailer is awesome. It has such a full rich sound, with texture and colors. The way it slow burns is awesome and it's a shame that the version in the trailer doesn't seem to be available.
This has been my life recently, swimming around in other people's trauma - real or fictionalized, finding things that resonate with me. Admittedly, I have been struggling, trying to understand my pull to the military and finding my path again. For a while now I have felt lost, unsure of what it is that I should be doing. I have sought nourishment from those around me only to be ignored so I am pulling back and focusing on those that actually stay in touch with me. For four years I have been trying to feed myself with something I like doing but it is hard to keep going when there is nothing to show for it. It's a one-way relationship and it's time to cut my losses.
I need to create a world for me, answering desires to do something even if I don't understand the "why" fully such as my recent project of sending items for care packages for military personnel. I felt like I needed to and so I did. I even sent an 8-page letter to be put in a care package so some lucky or un-lucky solider will get 8 pages of me rambling. I did put a couple of humorous stories in there for a good chuckle.
Today's music treat, I went digging a bit, all the way back to 1986 - I was still in high school when this song game out. Enjoy GTR - When the Heart Rules the Mind.
Rock On!
~Maynard