Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Monday, May 27, 2019


Hi All,

It has been some time since I wrote a post.

I am still working my way through Eminem's discography and have two books to read about him. Listening to his music, especially his newer music has been a welcome treasure into my life. Admittedly, Revival and Kamikaze aren't technically new, they are to me as I have been catching up. Listening to Eminem has been good for me. Given the turmoil in my life since my dad died and getting adjusted to my new life in a new home.  I have essentially started over.

I have been connecting with Eminem's music and have found a place of great comfort.  A safe space for me to cry, to laugh, to smile, to ponder, to many emotions and all of them so very valid to feel. I don't care what the critics say, Revival is an important album in the musical mythos of Eminem.

Music has always been a place of comfort for me. It helps me battle my depression and keeping suicide away which has been harder to do in the past year and half. I've done the best I can and have pushed on, moving forward even on days that I feel I cannot. Feeling lost is not a good feeling.

Listening to Eminem has provided an outlet for me, a chance to reflect on my own fight and realize that although I celebrate my "death day", which is the day of my last suicide attempt, that I don't own anything that signifies it. The same can be said for my friend Sean. I don't think I've mentioned my friend Sean on here but he died long time ago. He was very important to me, much in the way that Proof is important to Eminem.

I light a candle or try somehow to honor Sean's memory on his death anniversary each year, but something was missing. I needed to have something more substantial to honor him. Listening to Eminem made me realize that I need to honor myself better. To have something that signifies the battle I've been in. Eminem has his chip from AA, he earned year 11 recently and that made me wonder where my chip was. What do I get for having kept suicide away from nearly 27 years now. If Eminem had a chip then I needed to get my own and also to do something for Sean.  I needed this.

What did I do? I had custom necklaces made to honor Sean and myself.  For myself, I have a necklace that has three lines from Eminem's "Not Afraid" with the date of my last suicide attempt on the back, a reminder of how long that darkness has not touched me.  That is my chip, my token, one that I have rightfully earned. I've got battle scars to prove it.

For Sean, his necklace is still being made by the jeweler. It will have a blue larimar stone in the center of it set in silver. Sean's name and dates will be on a silver disc and then one line from a prayer to the Archangel Michael.  Sean's middle name is Michael and Sean always felt connected to him when we talked about such things.  It seemed appropriate to honor Sean this way.

I have worn my necklace twice and when I do I feel different. I feel at peace but sense the fighter in me too. I have worked so hard to be where I am. I've come a long way even though there are times where it doesn't feel like it.

YouTube has given me some added spark especially Lem and Marcus who do reaction videos. I've watched a number of their videos and it's always a joy to get some knowledge and listen to them dissect songs and take trips down memory lane. If you like hip hop/rap, they're really good at picking up on stuff and honestly they pick up on Eminem's double, triple and quadruple entendre better than other reviewers and they know their old school hip hop too!  So when Eminem mentions someone, they remember the artist and mention songs and will give a history lesson if needed. I love these guys! They know their stuff! They are artists themselves so do check out their work.

Check out their channel here:
Here is their video reaction to Eminem's Killshot:

The past month has been a time of remembrance and honoring. I've started to come out of a different kind of depressive haze, one I've never dealt with before. That is the gift Eminem has given to me through his music. He has now become part of my musical toolbox to help me manage my depression.  I don't know how I could ever thank him for what he has done except to tell him I "Believe".

Rock on!