Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

My GPS is Broken

Hi All,

It has been a few months since my last post.  The months have been a rollercoaster of feeling lost, lonely and finding a stable place. My life GPS is broken.

While it has been months since my dad's estate was closed which allowed me to focus back on me, I still find myself trying to find my way.  Adjusting to a new life, in a new home and new routine. Every week I think of some item I forgot to grab from the old house.  The list is quite lengthy at this point. I forgot to grab so many things!

My mind at times will replay the awful moment I found my dad dead on the floor in the archway of the kitchen and living room. Replaying the fire fighters talking to me, the police officers, the doctors and the funeral director. I never know when these moments will hit or why but they do.

I manage to keep going and given the current situation in the world with the COVIID-19 virus, that's all I can do.  Like many, I am working from home which I'm not fond of.  My brain already tortures me with stuff and being stuck indoors makes it so much worse.

There is so much uncertainly for the future. My mind spins out of control at times and I wonder if I'll make it through this event or my brain will just have a huge mental break.  I'm just thankful that my dad is not alive to live through this virus crap although I do miss the old house.

I'd be able to go outside and walk around the yard or sit on the deck. Things that I can't do in my current home. I do wonder how many people like myself who deal with depression or other mental issues are dealing with staying home.

I was an only child growing up so being alone is something I'm used to and keeping occupied and while I am a homebody, I do miss walking to the bus stop to go to work and seeing my co-workers and talking to people in general.

The world feels even smaller than it normally does for me and I suspect it feels that way or others too.

I hope all of you are being "good parents" to yourself and do what you need to do be kind to yourself.

Today's music choice I'm sure is going to seem weird. Given that I've had to stay home, I've been listening to my music collection.  It's been ages since I heard a Dionne Warwick song and forgot I even owned a CD of her music.  So, in a nod to my younger self and one of Dionne's best - enjoy!

Rock on!