Content Warning!

This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Monday, August 1, 2022

Broken Pieces is All That I Am

I admit the battle within me rages on. I have been feeling beaten down, exhausted and wondering why I am still here. I have no motivation. I acknowledge I have to go get my mail or take out the trash but the motivation to put on my shoes and walk outside is pretty non-existent.

I find motivation in going grocery shopping which is interesting since most people hate doing it. I enjoy going in the early morning hours and making my way through the store without being rushed. It's a leisurely stroll.  I do hate the self-checkout because it requires me to pack my own stuff.  I have motivation to shop but whatever motivation I have is killed by the self-checkout register. 

I have been feeling lost for a long time. I struggle with being here on this planet. I see no reason to stay. In all honesty, I have no reason to stay. Both of my parents are dead, I have no siblings, and I am not close to any extended family because I hardly ever saw them growing up as they live across country. All through the pandemic not a single one of my friends called or emailed to check in on me. No one ever does.

I manage to get up out of bed and go to work which is becoming harder to deal with.  I swear people don't know how to problem-solve or figure shit out. Seriously, has the whole world turned stupid? People are so lazy at work that they can't bother to read a guide or watch a video and educate themself. They'd rather go get an immediate answer...and that answer usually lies with me. Ugh. 

I am burnt out from work. Honestly, way past burnt out. I was supposed to take two weeks off back in 2020 but that got canned due to a new hire in my department who decided to start the week of my break. I couldn't go on vacation as there would be no one to train her how to do her job. Let me be clear, the department is made up of two people - me and her. So yeah, kind of have to train her. I have taken breaks, but I need an extended one for sure.

Watching skateboarding still lifts me up and the recent X-Games was a wonderful diversion for me and my brain even though I am in pain. Not physically but emotionally, mentally...I am weighed down. I am exhausted and ready to go and yet, I get up every day and go to work and play video games, watch TV (thank you AMC for showing Caddyshack) and go down the hall once a week to hang out with friends. I read, work on crafts but it does not sustain me like it once did. Even listening to music seems dull. Music that normally would get me feeling good seems lifeless and bland.

I did have a friend and a co-worker come over recently for dinner which was nice but did nothing to really recharge me or change my motivation except to dust, vacuum and power wash my kitchen.

I don't care and yet I care. It's a cycle for sure and at some point, I have to run into a square or a triangle.  I need to run in some other direction.  I'll gladly take a parallelogram. What a nice change of scenery that would be. Did I just use a geometry reference? That's surprising consider how horrible I am at math.

See folks, even when down in the dumps I can somehow manage to make a funny. It's not a good one but it's decent enough to crack a smile. I'll take it!

Today, I leave you with a musical treat from Apocalyptica - actually a double feature! Enjoy 'Not Strong Enough" featuring Brent Smith and 'Broken Pieces' featuring Lacey.

Rock On!


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