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This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Taking Time

Day three of my long weekend will come to a close soon. I took time off of work to take care of me. My brain needed the rest, I needed the rest. I was lazy to an extent. I did do some cleaning, cooked a pork roast in my slow cocker, did normal housekeeping duties which I have to admit - suck. I have no motivation to do much of anything so the fact I spent an hour doing any kind of cleaning was remarkable.

I did get outdoors and go for a nice walk which I hadn't done in months, I did spend time in front of my spirit cabinet, put on some Celtic music, lit a few candles and sat for a bit. I can't meditate to save my life because my brain does not shut off. The best I can do is lessen the chatter. 

I try to focus on the flame of the candle but after a while, my brain starts to rev up again. I figure less chatter is a reasonable ask of my brain. Not sure how I'd feel if it was silent. To be honest, I hate silence. I require music or the TV on in the background in order to function. Absolute silence makes me edgy. Give me tunes and I'm fine. 

I connected with a piece of music sung by Sheila Chandra - Lament of McCrimmon/Song of the Banshee from one of my Celtic compilation CDs. I hadn't listened to the CD for a number of years and forgot about the song. When the song came on, it resonated so deeply with me. Certain notes vibrated and it was good. I don't know if there is such a thing as musical cleanse, but it felt like I had one and rid myself of some yuck and felt a little more centered.

While my dysthymia does wreak havoc with me daily, there are moments where it takes a time out for me, even if only for 10 minutes or so. I can't say that during these moments I am suddenly filled with happiness. It doesn't work like that.  In these moments, I just am. I catch my breath before I hop back on the negativity train again. 

While I managed to go for a walk, clean up some clutter and do a bit of pseudo meditation, I did find music and videos that made me feel appreciative of things. I even felt a bit inspired to try something out with my video camera, an idea I've been tinkering with. If I can keep the motivation going or percolate with the idea more, it may see the light of day.

Taking time away from work to spend it on myself is always a good thing. My brain needs to switch gears from time to time, it just needs to turn off work mode and all the crap that comes with being in work mode. My brain enjoys lazy mode even. 

As part of being in lazy mode, I found a song from Greg Holden that got my foot tapping. I'm not overly familiar with his music but he did contribute music to the TV show - Sons of Anarchy which I had watched years ago. 

Take care, all and as usual...

Rock on!


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