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This blog on occasion addresses depression, death, suicide and other sensitive themes. Continue at your own discretion in reading the content.

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

The Hardship of Reconciliation

I'm not sure where to begin with this post. I was doing okay and then out of nowhere my mood took a large swing into the realm of sadness. I was watching videos online and laughing and then in a matter of moments when I walked to my kitchen, I went from feeling upbeat to wanting to fall to the floor and cry. These swings happen all the time to me without much notice on my part. It's part of my life but today, for some reason I noticed the swing. 

I have been preoccupied with a thought, a memory, and trying to understand a stranger. A person who I do not know was being interviewed on a podcast. They spoke of a friend, a friend who meant the world to them who committed a horrific crime. The friend turned themselves in to authorities and admitted they had murdered a young woman. 

The thing is you may never truly reconcile it. I went through this with a friend of mine, but they didn't murder anyone. This friend had his flaws, but he was a good friend. He was there for me at a time when no one else gave a damn. He was there for me in my most desperate moment of darkness. I was vulnerable and deeply broken but he protected me. 

Years after helping me out, he was accused of allegedly raping his then girlfriend's younger sister. This shook me hard. I was confused. How could the man who saved me, who gave me a reason to carry on and live do something like this? This didn't match the friend I knew.  This friend was never questioned, no arrest, no nothing. For years, I wondered - did he or didn't he do this? Was he capable of doing this?

It was a constant back and forth and I would never learn the truth as he died several years later. His girlfriend at the time was also my friend, but she wouldn't talk to me about what allegedly happened. I had questions but no answers. No one had answers for me. 

I've tried to reconcile this for myself through the years, but I came to the conclusion that I will never be able to do so completely. I acknowledge that this friend wasn't the most perfect person on the planet.  The best I can do is acknowledge that he wasn't perfect, but what he may or may not have done does not completely wipe out what he did for me.

What he did for me matters. After all these years I honor our friendship, I have fond memories of him. How can I hate the man who helped me in my darkest of times? I can't. I remember and honor the friend I knew. My memories of him are a lot different from everyone else's who paint him as a sick, vile person that should have been burned at the stake for his alleged crime.

Getting back to the guy in the interview, I don't know him, but throughout the three-hour interview he spoke of several of his friends, many of whom have tragically died through the years. This man has experienced a lot of horrific events in losing so many friends to car accidents, suicide, cancer, the list went on. These people meant the world to him, helped him out when they could. There was a fondness and appreciation for all of them. 

It makes me wonder if this guy, much like myself, has had a hard time reconciling the friend he knows vs. the friend who murdered a person. I'm sure he struggles with this and maybe in order for him to cope, he chooses to remember the good person he knew.  He clearly acknowledged that his friend did a horrible thing but the way he spoke indicated to me there was a lot of pain there. It hurt to talk about his friend in this way. 

The criticism of this guy has been harsh online and while my situation with my friend is no way close in comparison, I simply think the online community needs to show some understanding. A young woman was murdered, which is horrible, but I think the level of hate is a bit overboard. The part about his friend was a 5-minute part out of a three-hour interview which had so many inspiring moments. Mind you the interview was about this guy and his life, not his friend which is what everyone is focusing on.

He had so many challenges and yet somehow, worked through it all to have a very creative career and work with some amazing people. I doubt the online community will have any compassion for this guy or try and understand what he has gone through all these years. For me, I can't help but try and understand where he may be coming from based on my own life experiences.  I could be completely wrong in my thinking of the situation too. It's just another instance where I won't get answers to my questions.

Writing this all out and sharing with you has been helpful. My mood is a little better now and I don't feel the urge to cry so much anymore. I still feel down but I'm in a better place than I was over an hour ago.

Today I leave you with the Skylar Grey song, 'Falling Apart' which is how I felt at the start of this post.

Rock on!


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