Season of Remembrance

My season of remembrance continues on, but it has not been one like years past. My death date anniversary came and went in October without much recognition. As the years pass, my acknowledgement of my last suicide attempt varies but I often celebrate in some way. Thirty-two years have passed now, and this year was supremely quiet in my acknowledgement.

I spent a couple of hours hanging out and having lunch with a dear friend who did not know the significance of the day. We were both wrapped up and puzzled by the number of stores, especially sandwich shops that were closed and learning it was a federal holiday. Eventually, we were able to get lunch, it just took us a bit of time to find a place that was open. 

November came rolling in and this is the first year of not participating in NaNoWriMo. It does feel strange to not do it, but I told myself after hitting the 1-million-word mark last year enough was enough. I still write, I simply don't drive myself nuts doing it!

November 1st was the day Sean died 25 years ago. I didn't order flowers to be delivered to his grave like I have in years past. I don't know why I didn't, but the anniversary came and went.  I admit a part of me felt sad for not having his gravesite cleaned and flowers delivered. My remembrance of Sean has changed with time and perhaps next year he'll get flowers. Life has an interesting way of teaching you.  This year life taught me that although I didn't send flowers to Sean's grave, it doesn't mean I stopped loving him. I thought of him, said a prayer for him and lit a candle.  

During this period of remembrance, I typically donate money to a charity in honor of Sean and myself. Talk about a struggle! I couldn't even find an organization that spoke to me. I had been looking at plenty of organizations and then finally FORCE BLUE felt right.

Part of the reason was due to them working with children of veterans and working with the veterans of FORCE BLUE to learn about teamwork and clean underwater environments. The other reason is that the organization has built a safe community for Special Operations veterans to heal and help them navigate this crazy world. A world I struggle with navigating too somedays. While my dad wasn't a Special Operations veteran, he was an Air Force veteran tasked with making sure our radars were in working shape on the Distant Early Warning (DEW) Line. I have fond memories learning about satellite dishes as a kid after dad built one from scratch long after his military service.  People thought he was building a carousel at first. Learning about transponders, LNB's and LNA's, satellite names and their elevations, feedhorns and buckets, even going on service calls to fix the satellites for the National Weather Service at our local airport or helping install C-band dishes at people's houses. Those moments mattered as he was always on the road doing service calls so when I could join in, that was our time together. 

The final reason for donating to FORCE BLUE was due to Rudy Reyes. I had read his book Hero Living and listened to multiple interviews in the months since picking it up. Some of the interviews are recent and some not but, in each interview, something always resonated with me. I always came away with something new to ponder.  I even picked up a copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet because of him. I'm only a few pages into the book as my awesome postal carrier delivered it the other day.

I think I simply had to be patient this year about which organization I wanted to donate too. One thing is for certain, I'll do it all again next year but hopefully it won't take me so long to figure out which non-profit to donate too! If I impart any wisdom on you, do your research!  Before you donate, do research and ask yourself if what the organization does is important to you.  If it doesn't resonate, then pause and look for one that does or simply wait.  I started following FORCE BLUE during the summer as I wanted to learn more about them and then it all made sense.

Learning is a good thing.  So, while I slowly plug away at The Prophet, I'm also reading a book by Thomas Joiner called Myths About Suicide. This has been a slow read for me and at times hard to digest. I'm thankful to read a different perspective and it has certainly caused me to go back and revisit my attempts.  Admittedly, I can't remember all of my seven attempts. I can recall my first and my last but only have snippets of the one's inbetween.  I suspect it's due to being under the influence of alcohol for attempts two through six. It's nice to know that although I lack a psychology degree, some of the things Joiner points out I figured out on my own years ago.  It probably helps to have a degree, but you become your very own expert when you don't have one. It's probably best I don't have a psychology degree as that would have interfered with my journey of self-discovery or made it happen sooner. Hmmm...

Well, I should close this post out. I have one more anniversary to contend with and that is the day my dad died.  Incidentally, the day he died also happens to be Rudy Reyes' birthday. Talk about coincidence...or is it? Things have a way of connecting and coming around, don't they? The universe always makes sure it does.

I wish you all the best for Thanksgiving and into the New Year. Please take time to let our veterans know they matter especially during this time of the year.  They have given of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. All the things we hold dear in our lives is possible because of them.

Today's musical treat is Richie Sambora's Weathering the Storm.

Rock on!

~Maynard

I Can Tune but Not Meditate

I have been away from the keyboard but not away from the things in my mind. Per usual, I am always trying to understand and figure myself out. I think taking the time to understand about myself, what matters to me, are important things to delve into. It's a never-ending quest for which I'm thankful to be on.  After all these years, I still manage to surprise myself when things suddenly make sense.

On the journey, you truly do learn the things you like or don't, the things that matter to you, the people that matter to you and who is weighing you down.  Sometimes you need to cut people free. At some point in your journey, you will come to realize that you are not being nourished in a way that you should be. I'm not taking about food although that helps, I'm talking about a different kind of nourishment. 

Nourishment that fuels you. Nourishment that feeds your inner needs, like creating art or music, or simply taking the time to shut the world out and go inwards. In this crazy world, I admit that I sometimes forget to stop and enjoy the birds singing in the tree outside my window or pay attention to the squirrels that congregate near the trash house each morning to play.  

I can easily say I don't meditate. You might call it that, but I like to call it a "tuning session", as I shut the world out for about 30 minutes, I tune into myself. I put on some instrumental Celtic music, sometimes there might be singing but vary rarely. Celtic music seems to put me in the right headspace as I light a candle and sit with eyes closed. Sometimes I might put a small dab of frankincense and myrrh anointing oil on my wrists but not often. I always know when I need to. The smell is good, it helps with focusing and makes me feel I'm protected. Due to my sensitivities to fragrances, it's mild enough that it doesn't give me a headache.

I've tried meditation on and off for years, but I can't get my brain to stop darting from thought to thought but my tuning sessions are good enough that the thoughts slow down enough that I can focus for a little while. It's good to check in with myself this way and also its good to do this to recalibrate myself - to center myself a bit especially if the previous day or days have been hectic. 

I tune in when I feel the need to. Admittedly, I should probably do it more often but I'm still putting things together after having recently found myself again. In the event you are wondering, I do feel more like myself and the happy vibe that I got from reading Jason Fox's book has worn off, but its significance hasn't. No, I haven't heard from Jason Fox either if you were wondering about that too. I don't suspect I will but hey - the world works in mysterious ways so one never knows.

I have continued reading books by former military. I'm nearing the end though. I finished reading First Man In: Leading from the Front by Ant Middleton. I'm currently reading Ollie Ollerton's Battle Ready and have another Jason Fox book Embrace the Chaos in my pile. I might add Aldo Kane's Lesson from the Edge but not sure yet.  

I do need a break from reading books. I have so many to read in other piles, but I do need to finish this military themed pile. I have other projects to work on and finish. I actually started making Christmas gifts!  Super crazy but I know myself, if I don't finish them now, I never will.  

My post was a bit all over the place but that's where I am right now - all over the place mentally speaking but no worries, I'll come home. I always do.  

Enjoy today's musical treat from Blue October - Kangaroo Cry.

Rock on!

~Maynard

I Wrote A Letter

In all my years, I have never written a letter to another author but that changed yesterday morning. I had started to hand-write my letter but realized quickly that my handwriting has gotten worse as I've gotten older. 

I put my thoughts to keyboard and wrote a thank-you letter, not a note or a card but a letter to Jason "Foxy" Fox. Yes, the guy probably mostly known best for his appearance on the UK TV show SAS: Who Dares Wins. There is an Amercian version of the show Special Forces: World's Toughest Test. As mentioned in my last couple of posts, I read his first book Battle Scars. I finished his 2nd book this morning while his 3rd book sits on my table amongst a pile of other books to read.

I wrote my letter and expressed my gratitude as his story allowed me to make a life course correction. I learned that I had become disconnected from myself and had unknowingly forgotten how resilient I am and that I have persevered before. I had forgotten my battle scars which I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to let that happen.  

Regardless, I wrote my letter and with a bit of fear and hesitation I mailed it. Whether he actually gets it is another thing, but I did my part and sent my appreciation out into the world, more precisely to his publisher. I will admit I hesitated in sending the letter because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. He had the courage to be that way in his book, the least I could do was be vulnerable in kind. There was no way I was going to thank him by an email message or some post.  Given the subject matter of the letter, it was the best path to take.

It's the best path for all of us to take.  Seriously, we need to write thank-you letters more often to each other. We need to let people know we are thinking of them. I've been doing that since COVID started, sending cards or postcards to my friends randomly, it's my way of checking in on them and letting them know I'm thinking of them. I thought about stopping and told a few friends I was going to stop, and they asked that I didn't.  I decided to cut my mailing list down which was a compromise.

Everyone is struggling, hurting, surviving - even me. I'm not struggling as much as before but we are all going to have a few hiccups from time to time. It's life and some days are better than others, but we can strive to find a good balance.  Getting a random card or postcard in the mail with a few words does make a difference. I didn't think it was making a difference but then my friends spoke up about it.

Go forth and spread joy my friends. Send a random card to one friend, a few friends or all of your friends.  As long as it comes from a good place you can't go wrong. When I say, 'good place', I mean from the heart. Your intentions must be good. Don't half ass it. 

Today, I leave you with "Letters from Home" by John Michael Montgomery. 

Rock on!

~Maynard

The Hero Lives with Battle Scars and Survives

I don’t know if it’s the weather and the trees blossoming or the universe doing its thing to help me out, but this has been the most upbeat week I’ve had in A LONG TIME!  I decided to do a different take on a mind-map and decided to map my journey since last July of my interest in the military. It has been an interesting journey. I set out drawing lines to each item that connects to another and before I knew it my journey had shown me things that I had not seen.  Things started to shift when I finished reading “Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows” by Jason Fox.  I then dived into Ollie Ollerton’s “Break Point” followed by Sean J. Rogers book "Better Broken: The Hidden Advantage of a Challenging Life".  After Sean's book I then moved on to Mark "Billy" Billingham's book "The Hard Way: Adapt, Survive and Win" and lastly, “Hero Living: Seven Strides to Awaken Your Infinite Power” by Rudy Reyes.

These books called out to me and have resonated with me in different ways. I have been nourished, accepted, redeemed, validated, forgiven and a whole lot of other adjectives. I feel centered and in a good headspace which is often fleeting given that I am a high-functioning depressive.  I can’t really put into words what has happened or what changed, I’m not sure I know, but something happened and I’m going to enjoy this feeling for a long as I can. When the universe puts something in your path, pay attention as it may be something to lend you an assist in this crazy world.

Jason's book caused me to reflect on my past, freezing me in my tracks to recall my last suicide attempt. I have spent my life learning about myself, trying to understand my pain, and learn from others along the way.  That's why when reading about Jason's pain as he met that dark door of whether or not to make an attempt, I understood the pain he was wrestling with for I had been there myself.

Ollie's book allowed me to reflect even more but not in the same way that Jason's book did. The world is clearer when you aren't drowning in alcohol. Something I ditched long ago.  Alcohol didn't impact me to the point I was using to medicate but it simply was not good for me and my headspace.  It brought the darkness closer, allowing it to entwine me, taking me hostage. I had to fight to keep it away.

I have to admit that Sean's book, out of all the books, didn't resonate strongly but I walked away with something. Same with Billy's book.  It's not to say these books are bad, they are quite good, and I wholly recommend reading them.  What I realized is that the things they spoke of I had been through in my own way and dealt with.  I welcomed learning about their journeys because it's so important to learn from other paths, but their paths were ones I recognized in myself. 

That is what these books, these stories from these vulnerably strong men showed me. They reflected my life journey in various ways. These are men with stories to tell and share. It is their pain, the journey of learning about self that matters. Like I said, I felt validated and nourished by their tales of perseverance and resiliency. 

I was drawn to all these books, the universe putting them in my path for a reason.  Lastly, I picked up Rudy Reyes' book and so began another journey. Our lives very different but the journey to finding self and who you are, was a journey I knew.  Rudy had presented the journey I had been on in a different way. I appreciated this because I was reminded of things I had forgotten and then it was like everything showed itself to me again. All my life lessons, all the things I know about myself woke up. 

My brain started chewing on craft project ideas again, I started writing more in my journal, started purging things. In some ways, I was spring cleaning my inner self and my environment. It really has been a great feeling.  A weight, lifting off of me allowing me to feel free but I also realized that while my world is mostly dark, along the way I learned to keep the light on within myself. 

I learned that Ollie and Jason have written other books and those are on their way.  I was watching SAS Australia; they have an American on the show - a former member of SEAL Team Six and had the recruits on the show read his bracelet.  The show was on in the background while I was processing data for work when my attention was grabbed by the phrase - "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday."

I was not familiar with this quote and had to look it up. I did not know that this was part of the ethos of Navy SEALS.  I read a couple of articles about it, learning that it serves as a reminder that every day brings new challenges as well as opportunities for us to grow. As we tackle these challenges and opportunities, working hard every day, then yesterday was easy.

I am thankful for these books.  I am thankful for these stories.  While these stories are of Jason, Ollie, Sean, Mark and Rudy, they are also OUR stories. Stories of trauma, of loss, pain, redemption, acceptance, courage, perseverance, resiliency, and most of all...forgiveness. These men reminded me that I am still here. I AM STILL HERE! I have been battling for a long-time, but a uniform was never needed to fight.  All that was needed was me. 

For today's musical treat, I leave you with Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever". It feels like the appropriate song for today.  To Jason, Ollie, Sean, Mark and Rudy, thank-you for your courage on and off the battlefield. 

Rock on!

~Maynard

Battle Scars and the 3rd Path

It has been a while since I have posted on here. I do apologize for that as the past few months have been not so great. It is no secret that I share my struggles with my dysthymia but always trying to move forward and understand, always trying to discover myself. 

One day, in the most random of ways I had thought about the famous poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken. Most of us are familiar with this poem in one form or another as it talks about taking the road less traveled by and how that has made a difference. I got to thinking, what if neither road - the one everyone takes, or the one less traveled by are the right path? What if there is a third path that no one has touched? Each step is a new discovery of some kind, you simply don't know what will greet you after four steps or 10,000 steps. You have to take a step to see what is next. 

What you discover won't always make sense up front either. That is where I find myself as I have been delving into military-themed YouTube channels. I've stuck to just a small few. I think I am drawn to the hosts in these videos as there is something there for me.  It is the struggle of finding light in the darkness. Something I know a lot about.  I am fully aware that my battles with suicide and depression cannot come close to the battles that military personnel have endured but I think I can find some common ground with them. 

My pull to the military has resulted in me buying five books. I cracked the first one called Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows by Jason Fox. It talks about his depression and PTSD. At one point in the book, he talks about jumping off a cliff, deciding whether or not to end his life.  That hit me hard and for good reason as I thought about jumping from a roof for one of my attempts. Admittedly, I read his words and had to stop. I couldn't put the book down and simply sat on the page. I was frozen, lost in my own memory only to resume the chapter, each word eerily reflecting my own moment of despair.  A part of me felt like I was standing with him on that cliff, but I was not filled with despair but calmness. I wanted to talk to him and tell him - this is not our path, it seems like it, the darkness so inviting but this isn't our path, it's not our way.

I have three chapters to go in the book, but it has been a good read. I am glad I went with his book first.  The other books in my pile are by Ollie Ollerton, Mark "Billy" Billingham and Sean Rogers. 

I am way behind in watching movies and completely forgot that there was a Matrix 4 - Matrix: Resurrections. It was a decent movie even if I didn't quite follow all of the storyline.  There is a scene where Thomas Anderson/Neo is in a meeting with his therapist/The Analyst and the therapist makes a comment how he's a suicide survivor and talks about how Tom tried to jump off a building.  I was like, "finally", some recognition to call someone who has made an attempt not an attempted suicide survivor (ass), but simply suicide survivor.  Hallelujah!  The only thing about the movie that bummed me out, and not really the movie itself but the damn trailer for the movie had an incredible version of White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane but yet the damn song is NOT on the movie soundtrack unless they renamed it.  The orchestration for it in the movie trailer is awesome. It has such a full rich sound, with texture and colors. The way it slow burns is awesome and it's a shame that the version in the trailer doesn't seem to be available.

This has been my life recently, swimming around in other people's trauma - real or fictionalized, finding things that resonate with me. Admittedly, I have been struggling, trying to understand my pull to the military and finding my path again. For a while now I have felt lost, unsure of what it is that I should be doing. I have sought nourishment from those around me only to be ignored so I am pulling back and focusing on those that actually stay in touch with me. For four years I have been trying to feed myself with something I like doing but it is hard to keep going when there is nothing to show for it. It's a one-way relationship and it's time to cut my losses.

I need to create a world for me, answering desires to do something even if I don't understand the "why" fully such as my recent project of sending items for care packages for military personnel. I felt like I needed to and so I did. I even sent an 8-page letter to be put in a care package so some lucky or un-lucky solider will get 8 pages of me rambling. I did put a couple of humorous stories in there for a good chuckle. 

Today's music treat, I went digging a bit, all the way back to 1986 - I was still in high school when this song game out. Enjoy GTR - When the Heart Rules the Mind.

Rock On!

~Maynard