After 17 years, I have pulled the plug on my website. I will keep this blog running for a while. The last book I published was in 2014 and admittedly, I haven't felt any of the 10 or so stories after that are worth publishing. There is one I have been tinkering with for a long time, but it deserves to be told in a different format. I simply haven't figured that part out.
Plus, things in my life have recently changed and closing the website was a good thing. Plus, I can always start one back up if need be. For now, this blog will serve my purposes. I'll continue to add the videos from here to the YouTube playlist I have running.
I am reevaluating my life and projects I'd like to do. A shift is going on and I am looking forward to the future. Writing will remain part of my journey, that will never end but I believe I am starting to find my new purpose and I owe it to myself to give it a try. I even splurged to buy a new laptop. Not that the one I'm on is bad but it's pushing 9 years old.
I am halfway through Aldo Kane's book and recently watched a show "Artic Ascent with Alex Hannold" where Aldo provided safety for the team as they went to Greenland to climb a cliff and gather scientific data. Not a whole lot of Aldo but I always appreciate his uplifting spirit even when things are sketchy. There's something about him, that you know if you ask for a hug, it's going to be the best hug you ever received. I dig Aldo's energy. I could soak it up all day. It's that type of energy that helps me keep my depression away for a bit. I feel good. If watching him on TV can do that, I can only imagine what it would be like in person.
I'm not a big people person. Large crowds make me nervous, and I don't like the cramped space. It's one of the reasons why I love grocery shopping at 7am. There is hardly anyone in the store and I can spend time reading labels without someone coming right up on me. I'm not skittish but I hate people just squishing right next to me. My reaction is "I don't know you, get the hell away from me". I never say it out loud but most certainly think it.
Small groups of people are good. I simply struggle with people in general. I suck at small talk and due to my quiet nature, I'm not a life of the party kind of person. I'm the observer in the corner. Which at times is a good thing.
I hope all of you are doing well and can enjoy some quite time while grocery shopping and yes, go ahead and buy the pint of black raspberry ice cream. Everyone deserves a treat.
Your musical treat for today is Lionel Richie's 1982 hit You Are.
I think one aspect of living in this wacky world is finding ways to improve yourself, try new things and understand yourself. It is no secret that I have been trying to understand my purpose in recent years. Honestly, what is my purpose here? I'm starting to think that there is more than one answer to explain our existence.
I recently finished reading Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet and Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. Two very different views of the world and our role in it. I enjoyed The Prophet, which was a book I was inspired to pick up after listening to Rudy Reyes as a guest on a podcast. I had no idea how influential and inspiring this book was to people.
Life is interesting in that this book is popular, but I was not aware of it until a couple of months ago. I am glad that I picked it up and ordered it. There are many versions of the book available, I went with this version that includes illustrations.
I do wish I had read this book earlier in my life but am glad to have read it now. After I finished reading it, I wanted to buy multiple copies to give to friends. It was that good. I recommend everyone read this book. I have read plenty of books in my life, but few ever make a huge impact on me. The list of books that have an impact on me is quite small so making the list is a big deal.
As for Marcus Aurelius, where do I start? While Kahlil was easy to digest and enjoy, Marcus required more mental stamina to digest. It took me longer to get through, reflect and understand. There were parts that resonated with me, but I think it will take me a while to really appreciate his musings.
Like Kahlil, Marcus and his Meditations is a popular book. A book that I was not aware of or Marcus himself. I had no idea about Stoic philosophy. There are different versions you can buy of his book and the first version I bought was horrible to read. It was a badly make book and the formatting horrendous.
I found a better version which honestly, I should have bought the first time around. I went with this version which included a lengthy note section.
The reason why I picked up Meditations was because Aldo Kane mentioned it on a podcast where he was a guest. Once again, I am thankful to be inquisitive and explore my horizons. Learning new things keeps the brain active - I hope.
My book pile is a little shorter now, well, one of them anyway. I recently started on Aldo Kane's Lessons from the Edge and alternate with a book by Edward Shneidman called The Suicidal Mind. I should just read one book at a time, which I typically do but when books are dealing with heavy topics I have to take a break from them.
My short pile of books is down to books by Jason Fox, Jay Norton, and Claire Keegan. A friend of mine gifted me the Keegan book after returning from a two-week trip to Ireland. Once I finish this pile, I only have two more piles to work on! Woo Hoo!
As for my writing, I revisit a novel I started two years ago every now and then. Part of me, wants to start from a fresh page on the same topic and come at it a different way. I'll keep tinkering with it until I find the right voice and structure for it. I had a new take on how to tell the story pop into my head last night while playing a video game. Whether the new idea works or not, too early to tell. I need to tinker with things a bit.
I do journal write but admittedly, like this blog, I need to be more consistent. Journal writing used to be a daily occurrence but it's more like twice a week. When it comes to this blog, I think I need to draft out a plan of what to write about but often whatever is on my immediate mind shows up here. I'll figure it out. I always do.
Until then, my friends please enjoy today's music treat of Alison Moyet's "Love Resurrection" which came out in 1984.
A new year is here with threads of 2024 lingering.
I have been on a much-needed break from work and return tomorrow to what will be a full inbox of emails and a rather lengthy to do list. I can only imagine the wacked out emails that await me when I start going through them.
During my time away, I finished reading one book and read the entirety of another. Both of the books gave me pause to reflect on things in different ways. I re-evaluated my suicide attempts. Looking back on where I was as a teenager into my college years and where I am now. It is interesting to read other people's views on suicide. I'm starting to think no one truly understands it's cause even after all of their research. Researchers are getting better in understanding how suicide works, how it happens and impacts those with the ideation.
Based on my own personal experience, which never lines up 100% with researchers, to me suicide is not something that fits into a neat box with a clean-cut list of symptoms. It's complicated. I'm not sure I agree with the view to talk about suicide "nicer". Instead of saying "committed suicide", everyone is encouraged to say, "death by suicide" when talking about someone who has taken their own life. Perhaps, I'm old school in this line of thinking. There is no reason to sugar coat it. Taking your own life is not something you do on the fly. It may seem so on the surface to outsiders, but it is not. People do and can plan it out.
As for the other book I read, I'm not going to mention the author or the title of the book simply because they have recently been called out as a 'liar' by the community for which they belong too. It's a community my dad belonged in general terms but one I do not. As a matter of fact, my dad actually told me not to become a member of it when I was a senior in high school.
The hate from people towards this individual has been strong. Some comments by people who are joining in to pile on the hate clearly (1) have not read the book or (2) done their own research to come to their own conclusions about the situation. They blindly go with the herd.
From video and comments, I have seen, it is clear people are only hearing excerpts from the book and are unfamiliar of the entire context from which the excerpt is from. They accuse the author of stealing the title of their book from another. While it is true their book shares the same with another, it is stated in the book who picked the title. The title was picked by the wife of the co-author. Something the individuals who started all this neglected to mention. They neglected to mention or hold the co-author accountable too.
They accuse the author of saying they received a particular award in his book. However, the author did not explicitly write that he had. The reviewers do not seem to take into consideration that the person noted they were dealing with a concussion during the chapters of the book they were addressing. The author noted at the front of their book that they may misremember things given how much time has passed and the number of concussions they have sustained through the years. The people accusing the author of lying, did not consider this or look at the bigger picture that the author may have a brain injury or something worse.
They go after the author for failing to remember the name of fallen colleagues during an interview, unrelated to the book. You can see the author is trying to recall their names, he sees them in his mind but fail him when he is put on the spot. How many of us have tried to think of an actor or a word or song lyrics but they don't surface? We all experience this as we say, "it's on the tip of my tongue". We all do it!!
The community for which the author belongs to were outraged by this. How could the author forget the names of fallen friends? The author was having a busy and emotional holiday related to this community and yet no one took this into consideration either. I suspect given the author's many concussions he was dealing with a form of "tip of the tongue" known as anomic aphasia. It's a disorder acquired by brain damage such as that through an injury, dementia or even stroke. If the author was highly stressed, it makes the process of recall even harder especially if there are strong emotions tied to it.
Perhaps, I am wrong in my assessment of the situation as a whole. I'm not a doctor so who knows if the author has a brain injury. I'm trying to look at a bigger picture where the community is nitpicking every word. I admit that the author rubs me the wrong way at times but if I can look past that surely the others should as well, but many do not. They would rather take part in name calling and destroy a man's life for sport, for fun. They are willing to end him.
Unfortunately, that willingness to destroy a life is churning daily, the community is rabid, it is out for blood and in their blind call for accountability and justice instead of understanding and compassion they may be driving the author into darkness. A darkness that claims way too many people in this country and especially in this particular community.
I do hope that the fervor for destruction of the author does not result in them ending their life. That would be a horrible tragedy, and it may explain my attempt to look at the bigger picture. Been there, done that, don't want it to happen to others.
It is a new year, so be kind to each other and have fun. Your musical treat for today is Phil Collins' "I Don't Care Anymore."
My season of remembrance continues on, but it has not been one like years past. My death date anniversary came and went in October without much recognition. As the years pass, my acknowledgement of my last suicide attempt varies but I often celebrate in some way. Thirty-two years have passed now, and this year was supremely quiet in my acknowledgement.
I spent a couple of hours hanging out and having lunch with a dear friend who did not know the significance of the day. We were both wrapped up and puzzled by the number of stores, especially sandwich shops that were closed and learning it was a federal holiday. Eventually, we were able to get lunch, it just took us a bit of time to find a place that was open.
November came rolling in and this is the first year of not participating in NaNoWriMo. It does feel strange to not do it, but I told myself after hitting the 1-million-word mark last year enough was enough. I still write, I simply don't drive myself nuts doing it!
November 1st was the day Sean died 25 years ago. I didn't order flowers to be delivered to his grave like I have in years past. I don't know why I didn't, but the anniversary came and went. I admit a part of me felt sad for not having his gravesite cleaned and flowers delivered. My remembrance of Sean has changed with time and perhaps next year he'll get flowers. Life has an interesting way of teaching you. This year life taught me that although I didn't send flowers to Sean's grave, it doesn't mean I stopped loving him. I thought of him, said a prayer for him and lit a candle.
During this period of remembrance, I typically donate money to a charity in honor of Sean and myself. Talk about a struggle! I couldn't even find an organization that spoke to me. I had been looking at plenty of organizations and then finally FORCE BLUE felt right.
Part of the reason was due to them working with children of veterans and working with the veterans of FORCE BLUE to learn about teamwork and clean underwater environments. The other reason is that the organization has built a safe community for Special Operations veterans to heal and help them navigate this crazy world. A world I struggle with navigating too somedays. While my dad wasn't a Special Operations veteran, he was an Air Force veteran tasked with making sure our radars were in working shape on the Distant Early Warning (DEW) Line. I have fond memories learning about satellite dishes as a kid after dad built one from scratch long after his military service. People thought he was building a carousel at first. Learning about transponders, LNB's and LNA's, satellite names and their elevations, feedhorns and buckets, even going on service calls to fix the satellites for the National Weather Service at our local airport or helping install C-band dishes at people's houses. Those moments mattered as he was always on the road doing service calls so when I could join in, that was our time together.
The final reason for donating to FORCE BLUE was due to Rudy Reyes. I had read his book Hero Living and listened to multiple interviews in the months since picking it up. Some of the interviews are recent and some not but, in each interview, something always resonated with me. I always came away with something new to ponder. I even picked up a copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet because of him. I'm only a few pages into the book as my awesome postal carrier delivered it the other day.
I think I simply had to be patient this year about which organization I wanted to donate too. One thing is for certain, I'll do it all again next year but hopefully it won't take me so long to figure out which non-profit to donate too! If I impart any wisdom on you, do your research! Before you donate, do research and ask yourself if what the organization does is important to you. If it doesn't resonate, then pause and look for one that does or simply wait. I started following FORCE BLUE during the summer as I wanted to learn more about them and then it all made sense.
Learning is a good thing. So, while I slowly plug away at The Prophet, I'm also reading a book by Thomas Joiner called Myths About Suicide. This has been a slow read for me and at times hard to digest. I'm thankful to read a different perspective and it has certainly caused me to go back and revisit my attempts. Admittedly, I can't remember all of my seven attempts. I can recall my first and my last but only have snippets of the one's inbetween. I suspect it's due to being under the influence of alcohol for attempts two through six. It's nice to know that although I lack a psychology degree, some of the things Joiner points out I figured out on my own years ago. It probably helps to have a degree, but you become your very own expert when you don't have one. It's probably best I don't have a psychology degree as that would have interfered with my journey of self-discovery or made it happen sooner. Hmmm...
Well, I should close this post out. I have one more anniversary to contend with and that is the day my dad died. Incidentally, the day he died also happens to be Rudy Reyes' birthday. Talk about coincidence...or is it? Things have a way of connecting and coming around, don't they? The universe always makes sure it does.
I wish you all the best for Thanksgiving and into the New Year. Please take time to let our veterans know they matter especially during this time of the year. They have given of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. All the things we hold dear in our lives is possible because of them.
Today's musical treat is Richie Sambora's Weathering the Storm.
I have been away from the keyboard but not away from the things in my mind. Per usual, I am always trying to understand and figure myself out. I think taking the time to understand about myself, what matters to me, are important things to delve into. It's a never-ending quest for which I'm thankful to be on. After all these years, I still manage to surprise myself when things suddenly make sense.
On the journey, you truly do learn the things you like or don't, the things that matter to you, the people that matter to you and who is weighing you down. Sometimes you need to cut people free. At some point in your journey, you will come to realize that you are not being nourished in a way that you should be. I'm not taking about food although that helps, I'm talking about a different kind of nourishment.
Nourishment that fuels you. Nourishment that feeds your inner needs, like creating art or music, or simply taking the time to shut the world out and go inwards. In this crazy world, I admit that I sometimes forget to stop and enjoy the birds singing in the tree outside my window or pay attention to the squirrels that congregate near the trash house each morning to play.
I can easily say I don't meditate. You might call it that, but I like to call it a "tuning session", as I shut the world out for about 30 minutes, I tune into myself. I put on some instrumental Celtic music, sometimes there might be singing but vary rarely. Celtic music seems to put me in the right headspace as I light a candle and sit with eyes closed. Sometimes I might put a small dab of frankincense and myrrh anointing oil on my wrists but not often. I always know when I need to. The smell is good, it helps with focusing and makes me feel I'm protected. Due to my sensitivities to fragrances, it's mild enough that it doesn't give me a headache.
I've tried meditation on and off for years, but I can't get my brain to stop darting from thought to thought but my tuning sessions are good enough that the thoughts slow down enough that I can focus for a little while. It's good to check in with myself this way and also its good to do this to recalibrate myself - to center myself a bit especially if the previous day or days have been hectic.
I tune in when I feel the need to. Admittedly, I should probably do it more often but I'm still putting things together after having recently found myself again. In the event you are wondering, I do feel more like myself and the happy vibe that I got from reading Jason Fox's book has worn off, but its significance hasn't. No, I haven't heard from Jason Fox either if you were wondering about that too. I don't suspect I will but hey - the world works in mysterious ways so one never knows.
I do need a break from reading books. I have so many to read in other piles, but I do need to finish this military themed pile. I have other projects to work on and finish. I actually started making Christmas gifts! Super crazy but I know myself, if I don't finish them now, I never will.
My post was a bit all over the place but that's where I am right now - all over the place mentally speaking but no worries, I'll come home. I always do.
Enjoy today's musical treat from Blue October - Kangaroo Cry.