My season of remembrance continues on, but it has not been one like years past. My death date anniversary came and went in October without much recognition. As the years pass, my acknowledgement of my last suicide attempt varies but I often celebrate in some way. Thirty-two years have passed now, and this year was supremely quiet in my acknowledgement.
I spent a couple of hours hanging out and having lunch with a dear friend who did not know the significance of the day. We were both wrapped up and puzzled by the number of stores, especially sandwich shops that were closed and learning it was a federal holiday. Eventually, we were able to get lunch, it just took us a bit of time to find a place that was open.
November came rolling in and this is the first year of not participating in NaNoWriMo. It does feel strange to not do it, but I told myself after hitting the 1-million-word mark last year enough was enough. I still write, I simply don't drive myself nuts doing it!
November 1st was the day Sean died 25 years ago. I didn't order flowers to be delivered to his grave like I have in years past. I don't know why I didn't, but the anniversary came and went. I admit a part of me felt sad for not having his gravesite cleaned and flowers delivered. My remembrance of Sean has changed with time and perhaps next year he'll get flowers. Life has an interesting way of teaching you. This year life taught me that although I didn't send flowers to Sean's grave, it doesn't mean I stopped loving him. I thought of him, said a prayer for him and lit a candle.
During this period of remembrance, I typically donate money to a charity in honor of Sean and myself. Talk about a struggle! I couldn't even find an organization that spoke to me. I had been looking at plenty of organizations and then finally FORCE BLUE felt right.
Part of the reason was due to them working with children of veterans and working with the veterans of FORCE BLUE to learn about teamwork and clean underwater environments. The other reason is that the organization has built a safe community for Special Operations veterans to heal and help them navigate this crazy world. A world I struggle with navigating too somedays. While my dad wasn't a Special Operations veteran, he was an Air Force veteran tasked with making sure our radars were in working shape on the Distant Early Warning (DEW) Line. I have fond memories learning about satellite dishes as a kid after dad built one from scratch long after his military service. People thought he was building a carousel at first. Learning about transponders, LNB's and LNA's, satellite names and their elevations, feedhorns and buckets, even going on service calls to fix the satellites for the National Weather Service at our local airport or helping install C-band dishes at people's houses. Those moments mattered as he was always on the road doing service calls so when I could join in, that was our time together.
The final reason for donating to FORCE BLUE was due to Rudy Reyes. I had read his book Hero Living and listened to multiple interviews in the months since picking it up. Some of the interviews are recent and some not but, in each interview, something always resonated with me. I always came away with something new to ponder. I even picked up a copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet because of him. I'm only a few pages into the book as my awesome postal carrier delivered it the other day.
I think I simply had to be patient this year about which organization I wanted to donate too. One thing is for certain, I'll do it all again next year but hopefully it won't take me so long to figure out which non-profit to donate too! If I impart any wisdom on you, do your research! Before you donate, do research and ask yourself if what the organization does is important to you. If it doesn't resonate, then pause and look for one that does or simply wait. I started following FORCE BLUE during the summer as I wanted to learn more about them and then it all made sense.
Learning is a good thing. So, while I slowly plug away at The Prophet, I'm also reading a book by Thomas Joiner called Myths About Suicide. This has been a slow read for me and at times hard to digest. I'm thankful to read a different perspective and it has certainly caused me to go back and revisit my attempts. Admittedly, I can't remember all of my seven attempts. I can recall my first and my last but only have snippets of the one's inbetween. I suspect it's due to being under the influence of alcohol for attempts two through six. It's nice to know that although I lack a psychology degree, some of the things Joiner points out I figured out on my own years ago. It probably helps to have a degree, but you become your very own expert when you don't have one. It's probably best I don't have a psychology degree as that would have interfered with my journey of self-discovery or made it happen sooner. Hmmm...
Well, I should close this post out. I have one more anniversary to contend with and that is the day my dad died. Incidentally, the day he died also happens to be Rudy Reyes' birthday. Talk about coincidence...or is it? Things have a way of connecting and coming around, don't they? The universe always makes sure it does.
I wish you all the best for Thanksgiving and into the New Year. Please take time to let our veterans know they matter especially during this time of the year. They have given of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. All the things we hold dear in our lives is possible because of them.
Today's musical treat is Richie Sambora's Weathering the Storm.
Rock on!
~Maynard