Today, I was a little adventurous and went with a friend and co-worker to a co-workers house for an outdoor party. I was able to see people I work with that I hadn't seen in ages. It was nice to see them. It was a potluck party with a Latin American theme.
I brought a Brazilian dessert treat called 'Queijadinha' which are essentially little custard type tarts/little cakes. The traditional version has butter and cheese but I found another recipe without those elements. I had never made them before and they turned our pretty well.
I had thought of making Brigadeiros or Pé de Moleque (Peanut Brittle) as the recipes weren't too complex. I did make an attempt last weekend to make something called Paçoca but that did not come out well at all. It was a simple recipe but I had issues from the get go. Someone asked me why I made a Brazilian dessert and my response was that my favorite skateboarder - Bob Burnquist - happens to be from Brazil.
It was interesting to watch the facial expression because it was clear they did not know who Bob was. Given the crowd I was pretty sure no one had any interest in skateboarding or cared and I was fine was that. I never go to parties as I don't have a good time typically and I hate crowds. This wasn't bad at all. I managed to last 3 hours before pulling the plug.
I can't say I was happy to see people but it was nice to chat with people and catch up a little. I'm just not one to socialize this way. Being around people is kind of draining for me and I'm very much the type of person to go somewhere by myself. I can be around people for a while and then I need to go away to recharge myself.
The past few weeks have been a bit hard because I hit a patch of a few days where I questioned why I was even here. I have no reason to stay here. I'm just wasting space and don't feel I have anything more to contribute. I did get a bit of a knock on the head when my brain decided it would be funny throwing suicide into one of my dreams.
Here is the thing...during my years when things were very dark for me, I'd have frequent dreams of killing myself by jumping of a building. I'd always wake up the next day feeling better. A psychologist I once saw suggested that I was killing off parts of myself that I did not need in my dreams as a way to find myself. I haven't had these type of dreams in for a looonnnnnnggggg time. When I had this most recent dream I did not freak out about it as I didn't jump off a building. I was talking to another person but I knew in dream land it was just a representation of a part of myself. I was explaining that I didn't want to kill myself but that I had no reason to really be here and for them to understand that. It was a moment to internally vent to another part of myself how hard it is to deal with this dysthymia crap all the time.
Oddly enough, this internal dialogue must have needed to happen because the next few days I felt good. I don't want to say happy but I was in decent spirits. It was like something was resolved and I could enjoy things around me no matter how small.
When I explained this all to a friend, they said I never fail to amaze them in my abilities to look at the situation and understand what is going on. He said I could have easily freaked about the dream but the fact I was able to recognize it was not like my previous dreams was very telling. I was definitely proud of myself for looking at the situation. When it comes to my dysthymia and my past of multiple suicide attempts, I have continually over the years tried to understand it and not be ashamed of it. I have tried to look at the ugly side of it all which a lot of people don't want to do. Let's be honest, does anyone?
Okay. That's it for today folks. A little adventure and a little learning about myself.
Today's musical treat is an acoustic version of "Here Comes The Rain Again" by the Eurythmics. Enjoy!