Apologies for my absence. I am debating whether to keep this blog going given that I am horrible at keeping it up to date. My YouTube channel is going okay. I'm not getting a ton of views and I'm okay with that, it keeps me occupied and I learn new things.
Perhaps, I simply need to update my blog when I upload a video to my YouTube channel. That would keep me on a somewhat regular schedule.
I do not have much to share, such as life - it can be a little boring at times. I have been keeping myself busy for the most part and am discovering new things about myself all the time - as one should! I am currently reading Letters from a Stoicby Seneca. It has been an insightful read and only wish Seneca was still alive. I think an afternoon or evening spent talking with him would be very rewarding when it comes to one's life journey.
I enjoyed Marcus Aurelius' Meditations when I read it a few months back, once I found a good translation. I had picked up one copy of it, but the translation was horrendous. Another version proved to be a far better read, which I have linked. While insightful as well, it is different from Seneca. I do believe at this moment in time in my life, I needed to read Seneca. I have a book by Epictetus waiting to be read as well. I am curious to read what his philosophical viewpoint is.
I had heard Stoic philosophy mentioned lately and opted to learn. I bought a beginner's book that admittedly made me question what I had just read. I explained to friends that I needed a beginner's guide to the alleged beginner book I just read. Never a good sign when you finish a book and wonder what you just read.
That is where I am my friends. I spend my days in books and crafts, trying to enjoy things more than I ever have in my life. I am appreciative of the friends that surround me and nourish me daily and even more appreciative of the friends who live far away and yet remain in contact though letters - not email, but actually letters. It is a welcome gift that waits for me each time I pick up my mail.
I hope all of you are enjoying your 2026 so far, I wish you all good health. Your musical treat for today is one that comes from you. Go play a forgotten song that brings a smile to your face. Okay, I'll give you one. Enjoy the James Taylor with special guest, Carole King.
I was furloughed and laid off from a job even though I did no wrong. While I wasn't exactly saving the world, my co-workers and I were trying to make it a better place. We were front line ambassadors trying to spread goodwill. We were trying to help people, help themselves, their communities, their countries.
When you have your head down all the time, you sometimes forget your mission, your purpose, your drive for things and it wasn't until I finished reading Anthony 'Staz' Stazicker's book The Hard Road Will Take You Homethat I looked back on my employer and the work that had been done and the work we had been doing until it was destroyed.
It is now time for me to rebuild something. I am still unemployed at the moment. I will admit I haven't thrown myself into the job search like others. It's yucky out there. So much, pain with doom and gloom. My brain can't handle it all and I don't know if I want to do the same kind of work. I can't retire. Not old enough and starting over seems a horrible thought. I am willing to start over in a job that is interesting. That is the tough part. I haven't seen anything that ignites my fire to work.
I do keep busy with my side project. It gives me an outlet to be creative, create something positive to keep myself balanced and to put good energy into the universe. I hope what I create can bring comfort to people. A place to visit in the storm.
While I do my best to put kindness out into the world, I struggle. Doubt is a little monster that crawls around and I'm doing my best to keep it away in regard to my side project. Motivation is the other little monster. I have none for the most part. I will admit that I wonder why I am still here and there doesn't seem to be a good reason to really stick around.
As much as I feel exhausted and sad, hurt, I find comfort in the pages of the books I read by Special Forces Operators. I don't fully understand why, but I'll figure it out. For now, there is hope in their stories and maybe I'm not fully willing to throw in the towel...it just feels like it.
All right, time to move on. Today's musical treat is Cry by Godley and Creme.
We are living in interesting times. I don't know about any of you, but I think I could make an argument that people have collectively lost their minds. What is going on?
What's going on is a bunch of people losing their jobs for starters - me included! It sucks to lose your job when you were kicking ass in your role for 25+ years. My company didn't want to lay me off, they were put into that position due to the trickle-down effect of certain individuals gutting our federal agencies in the most unorganized way.
But I digress, I'm not here to blow my stack and go off the rails. I would very much like too, but I choose to use my energy in a more productive way. The job search is on and it's horrible out there. I have found positions that are perfect only for the postings to be - fake. I do research on the company and see how fraudulent they are. Just last week, I found a really good position, a perfect fit and then checked the address of this alleged car dealership noted on their website. When I looked up the address online it led me to a bank. No car dealership to be found.
I spend a few hours every other day looking at jobs. I need to work but am not feeling overly motivated to get a job even though I need one to pay the bills. I spend my time working on a creative project so that I don't totally lose my mind in all this chaos.
A retired neighbor lady has invited me to play Mexican Train Dominoes with her again. I had no idea such a thing existed. Heck, I never knew there were 8 variations on how to play Dominoes to begin with. Tomorrow, I play this game with her and near as I can tell the only difference between regular Dominoes is the amount you pick to start the game and the use of little train tokens. I'm sure there is some strange history on how it became Mexican Train Dominoes.
I suddenly want pizza and garlic knots.
Diversions aside, I have been doing my best to stay somewhat busy around the house. I finished Jay Morton's book Soldier: Respect Is Earned last month, and I am now about halfway through reading Clint Emerson's The Right Kind of Crazy: Navy SEAL, Covert Operative, and Boy Scout from Hell. I am looking forward to picking up Heston Russell's new book, not sure if it will be available in the U.S. in hardcopy form or if only as an e-book. Colin MacLachlan has a book coming out too, so I look forward to picking up a copy.
This is where I am right now folks. I am unemployed but working on a creative project and other projects to keep me active and my wits about me. As wonderful as staying in bed, downing a pint of ice cream and watching TV sounds, I get up every day and stay active. I have too.
If I give in too much to the darkness floating around, I honestly fear that I might not be resilient enough to fight back against it. Dealing with my dysthymia is one thing but letting it spiral completely out of control is something I cannot have happen. I realize some things are out of my control, but this is something I actively need to keep in check.
With that in mind, today's musical treat is Kool & The Gang's Get Down It. I thought something upbeat and funky would be good for all of us right now.
Life is a rollercoaster consisting of more than ups and downs, how we handle those ups and downs gives insight into our resilience. A situation is currently going on that may potentially cause me to switch careers. I remain optimistic and am enjoying some time away from my everyday job to work on other things. While my co-workers are frantically looking for new jobs, I am taking my furlough time to reassess what I want.
One of those things, was creating a YouTube channel. I took a leap and did it. I did it as a side project, something creative for my brain to get lost in and at the same time, keep me sane and spread kindness around. When we are kind to ourselves, we are then able to show kindness to others. I do little things all the time for my friends and that played into the channel I started but also taking time to nourish myself. I struggle all the time with being kind to myself, but I try to stay in a good place or least a gray place where I'm not too negative and not overly happy. A well-balanced place.
Life and the things involved in it don't always allow us to nourish ourselves in the way we want. Parts of us die a little and we are on the treadmill of repeating our days. Being in nature, taking time to center ourselves, giving ourselves a chance to sit for a moment escapes us all the time. Some of us are better than others at doing these things.
I admit that I struggle with meditating. I can sit for a bit and calm down, listen to Celtic music or some other relaxing music like flute or hand pans. I found that I had to create a routine to get into it. I think that's part of getting into the mindset to meditate. I don't think one can just walk into a room and meditate. I suppose you can if you're really good at it but for me, I call my little sessions - "tuning sessions" as I am tuning into myself. A chance to do an internal check.
Making time is hard. I have horrible motivation to do anything. I ride a wave where I am into something for a stretch of time and then not and then back at it again. It's horrible! I know that is me, so I just roll with it. Getting back to my YouTube channel, it is way different than what I am doing here and choose to keep things separate for now. There is a place for everything, and my side project is different from what I do here.
To be fair, the channel was born out of things I have written here in earlier posts. When you take a moment to think about the source of your inspiration, where your idea is truly born from it can surprise you. Turns out all these Special Forces books and some philosophical readings gave birth to my little creative adventure. It's all about that 10 second pause.
Take time to pause today and every day. Give yourself time, you deserve it.
I was digging through some of my parent's belongings and found a Kenny Rogers CD which triggers a few memories from when I was kid. Your musical treat is the 1979 Kenny Rogers hit You Decorated My Life.
After 17 years, I have pulled the plug on my website. I will keep this blog running for a while. The last book I published was in 2014 and admittedly, I haven't felt any of the 10 or so stories after that are worth publishing. There is one I have been tinkering with for a long time, but it deserves to be told in a different format. I simply haven't figured that part out.
Plus, things in my life have recently changed and closing the website was a good thing. Plus, I can always start one back up if need be. For now, this blog will serve my purposes. I'll continue to add the videos from here to the YouTube playlist I have running.
I am reevaluating my life and projects I'd like to do. A shift is going on and I am looking forward to the future. Writing will remain part of my journey, that will never end but I believe I am starting to find my new purpose and I owe it to myself to give it a try. I even splurged to buy a new laptop. Not that the one I'm on is bad but it's pushing 9 years old.
I am halfway through Aldo Kane's book and recently watched a show "Artic Ascent with Alex Hannold" where Aldo provided safety for the team as they went to Greenland to climb a cliff and gather scientific data. Not a whole lot of Aldo but I always appreciate his uplifting spirit even when things are sketchy. There's something about him, that you know if you ask for a hug, it's going to be the best hug you ever received. I dig Aldo's energy. I could soak it up all day. It's that type of energy that helps me keep my depression away for a bit. I feel good. If watching him on TV can do that, I can only imagine what it would be like in person.
I'm not a big people person. Large crowds make me nervous, and I don't like the cramped space. It's one of the reasons why I love grocery shopping at 7am. There is hardly anyone in the store and I can spend time reading labels without someone coming right up on me. I'm not skittish but I hate people just squishing right next to me. My reaction is "I don't know you, get the hell away from me". I never say it out loud but most certainly think it.
Small groups of people are good. I simply struggle with people in general. I suck at small talk and due to my quiet nature, I'm not a life of the party kind of person. I'm the observer in the corner. Which at times is a good thing.
I hope all of you are doing well and can enjoy some quite time while grocery shopping and yes, go ahead and buy the pint of black raspberry ice cream. Everyone deserves a treat.
Your musical treat for today is Lionel Richie's 1982 hit You Are.
I think one aspect of living in this wacky world is finding ways to improve yourself, try new things and understand yourself. It is no secret that I have been trying to understand my purpose in recent years. Honestly, what is my purpose here? I'm starting to think that there is more than one answer to explain our existence.
I recently finished reading Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet and Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. Two very different views of the world and our role in it. I enjoyed The Prophet, which was a book I was inspired to pick up after listening to Rudy Reyes as a guest on a podcast. I had no idea how influential and inspiring this book was to people.
Life is interesting in that this book is popular, but I was not aware of it until a couple of months ago. I am glad that I picked it up and ordered it. There are many versions of the book available, I went with this version that includes illustrations.
I do wish I had read this book earlier in my life but am glad to have read it now. After I finished reading it, I wanted to buy multiple copies to give to friends. It was that good. I recommend everyone read this book. I have read plenty of books in my life, but few ever make a huge impact on me. The list of books that have an impact on me is quite small so making the list is a big deal.
As for Marcus Aurelius, where do I start? While Kahlil was easy to digest and enjoy, Marcus required more mental stamina to digest. It took me longer to get through, reflect and understand. There were parts that resonated with me, but I think it will take me a while to really appreciate his musings.
Like Kahlil, Marcus and his Meditations is a popular book. A book that I was not aware of or Marcus himself. I had no idea about Stoic philosophy. There are different versions you can buy of his book and the first version I bought was horrible to read. It was a badly make book and the formatting horrendous.
I found a better version which honestly, I should have bought the first time around. I went with this version which included a lengthy note section.
The reason why I picked up Meditations was because Aldo Kane mentioned it on a podcast where he was a guest. Once again, I am thankful to be inquisitive and explore my horizons. Learning new things keeps the brain active - I hope.
My book pile is a little shorter now, well, one of them anyway. I recently started on Aldo Kane's Lessons from the Edge and alternate with a book by Edward Shneidman called The Suicidal Mind. I should just read one book at a time, which I typically do but when books are dealing with heavy topics I have to take a break from them.
My short pile of books is down to books by Jason Fox, Jay Norton, and Claire Keegan. A friend of mine gifted me the Keegan book after returning from a two-week trip to Ireland. Once I finish this pile, I only have two more piles to work on! Woo Hoo!
As for my writing, I revisit a novel I started two years ago every now and then. Part of me, wants to start from a fresh page on the same topic and come at it a different way. I'll keep tinkering with it until I find the right voice and structure for it. I had a new take on how to tell the story pop into my head last night while playing a video game. Whether the new idea works or not, too early to tell. I need to tinker with things a bit.
I do journal write but admittedly, like this blog, I need to be more consistent. Journal writing used to be a daily occurrence but it's more like twice a week. When it comes to this blog, I think I need to draft out a plan of what to write about but often whatever is on my immediate mind shows up here. I'll figure it out. I always do.
Until then, my friends please enjoy today's music treat of Alison Moyet's "Love Resurrection" which came out in 1984.
A new year is here with threads of 2024 lingering.
I have been on a much-needed break from work and return tomorrow to what will be a full inbox of emails and a rather lengthy to do list. I can only imagine the wacked out emails that await me when I start going through them.
During my time away, I finished reading one book and read the entirety of another. Both of the books gave me pause to reflect on things in different ways. I re-evaluated my suicide attempts. Looking back on where I was as a teenager into my college years and where I am now. It is interesting to read other people's views on suicide. I'm starting to think no one truly understands it's cause even after all of their research. Researchers are getting better in understanding how suicide works, how it happens and impacts those with the ideation.
Based on my own personal experience, which never lines up 100% with researchers, to me suicide is not something that fits into a neat box with a clean-cut list of symptoms. It's complicated. I'm not sure I agree with the view to talk about suicide "nicer". Instead of saying "committed suicide", everyone is encouraged to say, "death by suicide" when talking about someone who has taken their own life. Perhaps, I'm old school in this line of thinking. There is no reason to sugar coat it. Taking your own life is not something you do on the fly. It may seem so on the surface to outsiders, but it is not. People do and can plan it out.
As for the other book I read, I'm not going to mention the author or the title of the book simply because they have recently been called out as a 'liar' by the community for which they belong too. It's a community my dad belonged in general terms but one I do not. As a matter of fact, my dad actually told me not to become a member of it when I was a senior in high school.
The hate from people towards this individual has been strong. Some comments by people who are joining in to pile on the hate clearly (1) have not read the book or (2) done their own research to come to their own conclusions about the situation. They blindly go with the herd.
From video and comments, I have seen, it is clear people are only hearing excerpts from the book and are unfamiliar of the entire context from which the excerpt is from. They accuse the author of stealing the title of their book from another. While it is true their book shares the same with another, it is stated in the book who picked the title. The title was picked by the wife of the co-author. Something the individuals who started all this neglected to mention. They neglected to mention or hold the co-author accountable too.
They accuse the author of saying they received a particular award in his book. However, the author did not explicitly write that he had. The reviewers do not seem to take into consideration that the person noted they were dealing with a concussion during the chapters of the book they were addressing. The author noted at the front of their book that they may misremember things given how much time has passed and the number of concussions they have sustained through the years. The people accusing the author of lying, did not consider this or look at the bigger picture that the author may have a brain injury or something worse.
They go after the author for failing to remember the name of fallen colleagues during an interview, unrelated to the book. You can see the author is trying to recall their names, he sees them in his mind but fail him when he is put on the spot. How many of us have tried to think of an actor or a word or song lyrics but they don't surface? We all experience this as we say, "it's on the tip of my tongue". We all do it!!
The community for which the author belongs to were outraged by this. How could the author forget the names of fallen friends? The author was having a busy and emotional holiday related to this community and yet no one took this into consideration either. I suspect given the author's many concussions he was dealing with a form of "tip of the tongue" known as anomic aphasia. It's a disorder acquired by brain damage such as that through an injury, dementia or even stroke. If the author was highly stressed, it makes the process of recall even harder especially if there are strong emotions tied to it.
Perhaps, I am wrong in my assessment of the situation as a whole. I'm not a doctor so who knows if the author has a brain injury. I'm trying to look at a bigger picture where the community is nitpicking every word. I admit that the author rubs me the wrong way at times but if I can look past that surely the others should as well, but many do not. They would rather take part in name calling and destroy a man's life for sport, for fun. They are willing to end him.
Unfortunately, that willingness to destroy a life is churning daily, the community is rabid, it is out for blood and in their blind call for accountability and justice instead of understanding and compassion they may be driving the author into darkness. A darkness that claims way too many people in this country and especially in this particular community.
I do hope that the fervor for destruction of the author does not result in them ending their life. That would be a horrible tragedy, and it may explain my attempt to look at the bigger picture. Been there, done that, don't want it to happen to others.
It is a new year, so be kind to each other and have fun. Your musical treat for today is Phil Collins' "I Don't Care Anymore."
My season of remembrance continues on, but it has not been one like years past. My death date anniversary came and went in October without much recognition. As the years pass, my acknowledgement of my last suicide attempt varies but I often celebrate in some way. Thirty-two years have passed now, and this year was supremely quiet in my acknowledgement.
I spent a couple of hours hanging out and having lunch with a dear friend who did not know the significance of the day. We were both wrapped up and puzzled by the number of stores, especially sandwich shops that were closed and learning it was a federal holiday. Eventually, we were able to get lunch, it just took us a bit of time to find a place that was open.
November came rolling in and this is the first year of not participating in NaNoWriMo. It does feel strange to not do it, but I told myself after hitting the 1-million-word mark last year enough was enough. I still write, I simply don't drive myself nuts doing it!
November 1st was the day Sean died 25 years ago. I didn't order flowers to be delivered to his grave like I have in years past. I don't know why I didn't, but the anniversary came and went. I admit a part of me felt sad for not having his gravesite cleaned and flowers delivered. My remembrance of Sean has changed with time and perhaps next year he'll get flowers. Life has an interesting way of teaching you. This year life taught me that although I didn't send flowers to Sean's grave, it doesn't mean I stopped loving him. I thought of him, said a prayer for him and lit a candle.
During this period of remembrance, I typically donate money to a charity in honor of Sean and myself. Talk about a struggle! I couldn't even find an organization that spoke to me. I had been looking at plenty of organizations and then finally FORCE BLUE felt right.
Part of the reason was due to them working with children of veterans and working with the veterans of FORCE BLUE to learn about teamwork and clean underwater environments. The other reason is that the organization has built a safe community for Special Operations veterans to heal and help them navigate this crazy world. A world I struggle with navigating too somedays. While my dad wasn't a Special Operations veteran, he was an Air Force veteran tasked with making sure our radars were in working shape on the Distant Early Warning (DEW) Line. I have fond memories learning about satellite dishes as a kid after dad built one from scratch long after his military service. People thought he was building a carousel at first. Learning about transponders, LNB's and LNA's, satellite names and their elevations, feedhorns and buckets, even going on service calls to fix the satellites for the National Weather Service at our local airport or helping install C-band dishes at people's houses. Those moments mattered as he was always on the road doing service calls so when I could join in, that was our time together.
The final reason for donating to FORCE BLUE was due to Rudy Reyes. I had read his book Hero Living and listened to multiple interviews in the months since picking it up. Some of the interviews are recent and some not but, in each interview, something always resonated with me. I always came away with something new to ponder. I even picked up a copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet because of him. I'm only a few pages into the book as my awesome postal carrier delivered it the other day.
I think I simply had to be patient this year about which organization I wanted to donate too. One thing is for certain, I'll do it all again next year but hopefully it won't take me so long to figure out which non-profit to donate too! If I impart any wisdom on you, do your research! Before you donate, do research and ask yourself if what the organization does is important to you. If it doesn't resonate, then pause and look for one that does or simply wait. I started following FORCE BLUE during the summer as I wanted to learn more about them and then it all made sense.
Learning is a good thing. So, while I slowly plug away at The Prophet, I'm also reading a book by Thomas Joiner called Myths About Suicide. This has been a slow read for me and at times hard to digest. I'm thankful to read a different perspective and it has certainly caused me to go back and revisit my attempts. Admittedly, I can't remember all of my seven attempts. I can recall my first and my last but only have snippets of the one's inbetween. I suspect it's due to being under the influence of alcohol for attempts two through six. It's nice to know that although I lack a psychology degree, some of the things Joiner points out I figured out on my own years ago. It probably helps to have a degree, but you become your very own expert when you don't have one. It's probably best I don't have a psychology degree as that would have interfered with my journey of self-discovery or made it happen sooner. Hmmm...
Well, I should close this post out. I have one more anniversary to contend with and that is the day my dad died. Incidentally, the day he died also happens to be Rudy Reyes' birthday. Talk about coincidence...or is it? Things have a way of connecting and coming around, don't they? The universe always makes sure it does.
I wish you all the best for Thanksgiving and into the New Year. Please take time to let our veterans know they matter especially during this time of the year. They have given of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. All the things we hold dear in our lives is possible because of them.
Today's musical treat is Richie Sambora's Weathering the Storm.
I have been away from the keyboard but not away from the things in my mind. Per usual, I am always trying to understand and figure myself out. I think taking the time to understand about myself, what matters to me, are important things to delve into. It's a never-ending quest for which I'm thankful to be on. After all these years, I still manage to surprise myself when things suddenly make sense.
On the journey, you truly do learn the things you like or don't, the things that matter to you, the people that matter to you and who is weighing you down. Sometimes you need to cut people free. At some point in your journey, you will come to realize that you are not being nourished in a way that you should be. I'm not taking about food although that helps, I'm talking about a different kind of nourishment.
Nourishment that fuels you. Nourishment that feeds your inner needs, like creating art or music, or simply taking the time to shut the world out and go inwards. In this crazy world, I admit that I sometimes forget to stop and enjoy the birds singing in the tree outside my window or pay attention to the squirrels that congregate near the trash house each morning to play.
I can easily say I don't meditate. You might call it that, but I like to call it a "tuning session", as I shut the world out for about 30 minutes, I tune into myself. I put on some instrumental Celtic music, sometimes there might be singing but vary rarely. Celtic music seems to put me in the right headspace as I light a candle and sit with eyes closed. Sometimes I might put a small dab of frankincense and myrrh anointing oil on my wrists but not often. I always know when I need to. The smell is good, it helps with focusing and makes me feel I'm protected. Due to my sensitivities to fragrances, it's mild enough that it doesn't give me a headache.
I've tried meditation on and off for years, but I can't get my brain to stop darting from thought to thought but my tuning sessions are good enough that the thoughts slow down enough that I can focus for a little while. It's good to check in with myself this way and also its good to do this to recalibrate myself - to center myself a bit especially if the previous day or days have been hectic.
I tune in when I feel the need to. Admittedly, I should probably do it more often but I'm still putting things together after having recently found myself again. In the event you are wondering, I do feel more like myself and the happy vibe that I got from reading Jason Fox's book has worn off, but its significance hasn't. No, I haven't heard from Jason Fox either if you were wondering about that too. I don't suspect I will but hey - the world works in mysterious ways so one never knows.
I do need a break from reading books. I have so many to read in other piles, but I do need to finish this military themed pile. I have other projects to work on and finish. I actually started making Christmas gifts! Super crazy but I know myself, if I don't finish them now, I never will.
My post was a bit all over the place but that's where I am right now - all over the place mentally speaking but no worries, I'll come home. I always do.
Enjoy today's musical treat from Blue October - Kangaroo Cry.
In all my years, I have never written a letter to another author but that changed yesterday morning. I had started to hand-write my letter but realized quickly that my handwriting has gotten worse as I've gotten older.
I put my thoughts to keyboard and wrote a thank-you letter, not a note or a card but a letter to Jason "Foxy" Fox. Yes, the guy probably mostly known best for his appearance on the UK TV show SAS: Who Dares Wins. There is an Amercian version of the show Special Forces: World's Toughest Test. As mentioned in my last couple of posts, I read his first book Battle Scars. I finished his 2nd book this morning while his 3rd book sits on my table amongst a pile of other books to read.
I wrote my letter and expressed my gratitude as his story allowed me to make a life course correction. I learned that I had become disconnected from myself and had unknowingly forgotten how resilient I am and that I have persevered before. I had forgotten my battle scars which I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to let that happen.
Regardless, I wrote my letter and with a bit of fear and hesitation I mailed it. Whether he actually gets it is another thing, but I did my part and sent my appreciation out into the world, more precisely to his publisher. I will admit I hesitated in sending the letter because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. He had the courage to be that way in his book, the least I could do was be vulnerable in kind. There was no way I was going to thank him by an email message or some post. Given the subject matter of the letter, it was the best path to take.
It's the best path for all of us to take. Seriously, we need to write thank-you letters more often to each other. We need to let people know we are thinking of them. I've been doing that since COVID started, sending cards or postcards to my friends randomly, it's my way of checking in on them and letting them know I'm thinking of them. I thought about stopping and told a few friends I was going to stop, and they asked that I didn't. I decided to cut my mailing list down which was a compromise.
Everyone is struggling, hurting, surviving - even me. I'm not struggling as much as before but we are all going to have a few hiccups from time to time. It's life and some days are better than others, but we can strive to find a good balance. Getting a random card or postcard in the mail with a few words does make a difference. I didn't think it was making a difference but then my friends spoke up about it.
Go forth and spread joy my friends. Send a random card to one friend, a few friends or all of your friends. As long as it comes from a good place you can't go wrong. When I say, 'good place', I mean from the heart. Your intentions must be good. Don't half ass it.
Today, I leave you with "Letters from Home" by John Michael Montgomery.
I don’t know if it’s the weather and the trees blossoming or the universe doing its thing to help me out, but this has been the most upbeat week I’ve had in A LONG TIME! I decided to do a different take on a mind-map and decided to map my journey since last July of my interest in the military. It has been an interesting journey. I set out drawing lines to each item that connects to another and before I knew it my journey had shown me things that I had not seen. Things started to shift when I finished reading “Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows” by Jason Fox. I then dived into Ollie Ollerton’s “Break Point” followed by Sean J. Rogers book "Better Broken: The Hidden Advantage of a Challenging Life". After Sean's book I then moved on to Mark "Billy" Billingham's book "The Hard Way: Adapt, Survive and Win" and lastly, “Hero Living: Seven Strides to Awaken Your Infinite Power” by Rudy Reyes.
These books called out to me and have resonated with me in different ways. I have been nourished, accepted, redeemed, validated, forgiven and a whole lot of other adjectives. I feel centered and in a good headspace which is often fleeting given that I am a high-functioning depressive. I can’t really put into words what has happened or what changed, I’m not sure I know, but something happened and I’m going to enjoy this feeling for a long as I can. When the universe puts something in your path, pay attention as it may be something to lend you an assist in this crazy world.
Jason's book caused me to reflect on my past, freezing me in my tracks to recall my last suicide attempt. I have spent my life learning about myself, trying to understand my pain, and learn from others along the way. That's why when reading about Jason's pain as he met that dark door of whether or not to make an attempt, I understood the pain he was wrestling with for I had been there myself.
Ollie's book allowed me to reflect even more but not in the same way that Jason's book did. The world is clearer when you aren't drowning in alcohol. Something I ditched long ago. Alcohol didn't impact me to the point I was using to medicate but it simply was not good for me and my headspace. It brought the darkness closer, allowing it to entwine me, taking me hostage. I had to fight to keep it away.
I have to admit that Sean's book, out of all the books, didn't resonate strongly but I walked away with something. Same with Billy's book. It's not to say these books are bad, they are quite good, and I wholly recommend reading them. What I realized is that the things they spoke of I had been through in my own way and dealt with. I welcomed learning about their journeys because it's so important to learn from other paths, but their paths were ones I recognized in myself.
That is what these books, these stories from these vulnerably strong men showed me. They reflected my life journey in various ways. These are men with stories to tell and share. It is their pain, the journey of learning about self that matters. Like I said, I felt validated and nourished by their tales of perseverance and resiliency.
I was drawn to all these books, the universe putting them in my path for a reason. Lastly, I picked up Rudy Reyes' book and so began another journey. Our lives very different but the journey to finding self and who you are, was a journey I knew. Rudy had presented the journey I had been on in a different way. I appreciated this because I was reminded of things I had forgotten and then it was like everything showed itself to me again. All my life lessons, all the things I know about myself woke up.
My brain started chewing on craft project ideas again, I started writing more in my journal, started purging things. In some ways, I was spring cleaning my inner self and my environment. It really has been a great feeling. A weight, lifting off of me allowing me to feel free but I also realized that while my world is mostly dark, along the way I learned to keep the light on within myself.
I learned that Ollie and Jason have written other books and those are on their way. I was watching SAS Australia; they have an American on the show - a former member of SEAL Team Six and had the recruits on the show read his bracelet. The show was on in the background while I was processing data for work when my attention was grabbed by the phrase - "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday."
I was not familiar with this quote and had to look it up. I did not know that this was part of the ethos of Navy SEALS. I read a couple of articles about it, learning that it serves as a reminder that every day brings new challenges as well as opportunities for us to grow. As we tackle these challenges and opportunities, working hard every day, then yesterday was easy.
I am thankful for these books. I am thankful for these stories. While these stories are of Jason, Ollie, Sean, Mark and Rudy, they are also OUR stories. Stories of trauma, of loss, pain, redemption, acceptance, courage, perseverance, resiliency, and most of all...forgiveness. These men reminded me that I am still here. I AM STILL HERE! I have been battling for a long-time, but a uniform was never needed to fight. All that was needed was me.
For today's musical treat, I leave you with Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever". It feels like the appropriate song for today. To Jason, Ollie, Sean, Mark and Rudy, thank-you for your courage on and off the battlefield.
It has been a while since I have posted on here. I do apologize for that as the past few months have been not so great. It is no secret that I share my struggles with my dysthymia but always trying to move forward and understand, always trying to discover myself.
One day, in the most random of ways I had thought about the famous poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken. Most of us are familiar with this poem in one form or another as it talks about taking the road less traveled by and how that has made a difference. I got to thinking, what if neither road - the one everyone takes, or the one less traveled by are the right path? What if there is a third path that no one has touched? Each step is a new discovery of some kind, you simply don't know what will greet you after four steps or 10,000 steps. You have to take a step to see what is next.
What you discover won't always make sense up front either. That is where I find myself as I have been delving into military-themed YouTube channels. I've stuck to just a small few. I think I am drawn to the hosts in these videos as there is something there for me. It is the struggle of finding light in the darkness. Something I know a lot about. I am fully aware that my battles with suicide and depression cannot come close to the battles that military personnel have endured but I think I can find some common ground with them.
My pull to the military has resulted in me buying five books. I cracked the first one called Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows by Jason Fox. It talks about his depression and PTSD. At one point in the book, he talks about jumping off a cliff, deciding whether or not to end his life. That hit me hard and for good reason as I thought about jumping from a roof for one of my attempts. Admittedly, I read his words and had to stop. I couldn't put the book down and simply sat on the page. I was frozen, lost in my own memory only to resume the chapter, each word eerily reflecting my own moment of despair. A part of me felt like I was standing with him on that cliff, but I was not filled with despair but calmness. I wanted to talk to him and tell him - this is not our path, it seems like it, the darkness so inviting but this isn't our path, it's not our way.
I have three chapters to go in the book, but it has been a good read. I am glad I went with his book first. The other books in my pile are by Ollie Ollerton, Mark "Billy" Billingham and Sean Rogers.
I am way behind in watching movies and completely forgot that there was a Matrix 4 - Matrix: Resurrections. It was a decent movie even if I didn't quite follow all of the storyline. There is a scene where Thomas Anderson/Neo is in a meeting with his therapist/The Analyst and the therapist makes a comment how he's a suicide survivor and talks about how Tom tried to jump off a building. I was like, "finally", some recognition to call someone who has made an attempt not an attempted suicide survivor (ass), but simply suicide survivor. Hallelujah! The only thing about the movie that bummed me out, and not really the movie itself but the damn trailer for the movie had an incredible version of White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane but yet the damn song is NOT on the movie soundtrack unless they renamed it. The orchestration for it in the movie trailer is awesome. It has such a full rich sound, with texture and colors. The way it slow burns is awesome and it's a shame that the version in the trailer doesn't seem to be available.
This has been my life recently, swimming around in other people's trauma - real or fictionalized, finding things that resonate with me. Admittedly, I have been struggling, trying to understand my pull to the military and finding my path again. For a while now I have felt lost, unsure of what it is that I should be doing. I have sought nourishment from those around me only to be ignored so I am pulling back and focusing on those that actually stay in touch with me. For four years I have been trying to feed myself with something I like doing but it is hard to keep going when there is nothing to show for it. It's a one-way relationship and it's time to cut my losses.
I need to create a world for me, answering desires to do something even if I don't understand the "why" fully such as my recent project of sending items for care packages for military personnel. I felt like I needed to and so I did. I even sent an 8-page letter to be put in a care package so some lucky or un-lucky solider will get 8 pages of me rambling. I did put a couple of humorous stories in there for a good chuckle.
Today's music treat, I went digging a bit, all the way back to 1986 - I was still in high school when this song game out. Enjoy GTR - When the Heart Rules the Mind.
I have a lot of catching up to do with this blog and apologize for the absence. It is no secret given the title of my blog that I deal with dysthymia. This can be a pain in the ass as I haven't felt motivated to do much of anything these past few months.
In my quest to be more active I bought a walking pad that I had to return. False advertising and the thing was horrible to adjust. So, I returned the walking pad and bought an exercise bike. Honestly, I should have bought that first. I have been on it every other day so while not great, it's better than nothing. Plus, I'm not training for the Tour de France, so I'm fine with slowly working up my time spent on it.
I recently tried a book nook kit, which was fun. I opted to try another kit, so we'll see how it goes. The newer kit is more complex so it will take longer to put together but I'm okay with that.
My day job is okay. Some days it drives me nuts, not so much the work but my co-workers. Honestly, I don't know what it is with 20 somethings not knowing how to problem solve. They want you to give them the answers instead of finding them on their own. There are videos, guides, so many resources that the company provides to help someone do their job, but do they look things up? No. It's much easier to ask your co-worker who has been around for 20+ years. When started with the company, there were no guides, no videos. The woman who trained me gave me a half page document with the basics and that was it. I had to figure the rest of my job out on my own.
I try not to write about work here but while I'm at it, if anyone reading this blog is looking for work - do yourself a favor and put your contact information on your resume!!! I can't stress this enough. It does not matter if you filled out an online form or submitted a cover letter. Your resume will get passed around to others who don't have access to your application submission. I could give more advice given the amount of resumes I've processed through the years but contact information is the big one.
My project in my spare room moves slowly and at times not at all. Like I said, motivation to do anything while dealing with dysthymia is a tricky thing. I do have moments where I can chip away for 30 minutes and then my motivation vanishes.
I guess you could say I dabble in things. I do a little of this and a little of that all the time. I have been doing brain games to entertain myself and other little projects. Trying new things is a nice change of pace.
Even listening to music is a welcome change of pace. I have added new albums to my collection, in genres that I normally wouldn't listen too. I have turned back to bands that I listened to a lot in years past such as Megadeth. It's interesting when you put an old album and reconnect with it. When you listen to older songs, they may sound dated and then there are other songs or albums that have stood the test of time. You might find a hidden gem or a song you forgot about.
I leave you not with a hidden gem but a song I forgot about but was happy to rediscover. For your music treat I leave you with "Almost Honest" by Megadeth from their Cryptic Writings album which came out in 1997. Can't believe it's been that long!
It's been a while since I wrote. First off, I did meet my walking challenge back in September for Mission 22. I walked 48+ miles. I finished before the end of the month and was happy that I was able to meet the goal. I did donate and write them a letter for which I received a very unexpected surprise. I did not expect this at all, but it brought me to tears. When your heart is in the right place, good things do happen.
With it being November, NaNoWriMo is here! I am happy to say that I hit the 50,000-word count. I actually went over the limit - 75,000+ and hit a bigger target of 1 million words. Now that I have hit the 1 million plus word count, I will retire from doing this challenge. I started participating in 2005 and so it is fitting to end on a high note.
I don't have much else to report. I have been buying more vinyl albums, adding to my collection and expanding into genres I normally wouldn't listen to. I have also found things that have struck up memories from my childhood. I recently bought albums from Electric Light Orchestra, Cozy Cole, and George Benson.
As a matter of fact, your musical treat is George Benson's guitar masterpiece "On Broadway".
My bad knees and my feet are screaming a little but I'm happy to report I'm 18 miles in on the 48-mile challenge for Mission 22. We've had a lot of hot weather here which is uncommon for this time of year in Vermont. I am so glad that September weather will be here in a couple of days. I'd really like to open my screen doors again to enjoy the fresh air and turn off my A/C.
In regard to the challenge, I had to take a day of rest yesterday. My feet were hurting way too much, and I need to rest them and my left knee. It was very much needed and was able to go out this morning for a mile and then logged more steps late this afternoon.
They say that walking is good for you physically and for uplifting your mood. I have to say that mentally, it hasn't made me feel happier. It has had no impact on my overall mood. I suppose there are moments where a song is on that I pick up a little, but it has to do with the song more so than my mood.
I decided to do the 48-mile challenge and walk for my dad mostly and the servicemen whose letters were shredded by my aunt. Yes, I haven't let that go yet and suspect I won't for a little while longer. I have to work through it still. I know why I feel the way I do, that shredding of the letters was like erasing their service to their country and I have to reconcile that. Doing the challenge is my way of not forgetting their service. That serving their country does mean something.
I did not officially sign up with Mission 22 simply because in order to do so you have to go through Facebook and I'm not doing that. I don't have a FB account and not about to start one now.
Other than my aching feet and bad knees, I'm a little ahead of where I need to be with the walk. It will be tight until the end. This isn't a writing challenge, and anything can happen. I am thinking of having my friends take a picture of me when I complete the challenge, wearing either one of my Til Valhalla shirts or maybe my KITGOD shirt. I could do both and do a halfway point picture and one at the end.
I'm not one for having my picture taken but I guess I can do these. If I feel inclined to do a newsletter for Christmas, I'll have something to write about. Speaking of writing, I have no idea what I will do for this year's NaNoWriMo. I'm about 75,000 words short. I told myself I would stop when I hit 1 million words. I don't know if I have a story, I could write that could be 75,000 words. Honestly, I have no ideas for this year yet and it's bumming me out. I'm all out of ideas, I guess. I'm so close to 1 million words and yet it seems like a very daunting task. I'll figure it out.
Today's musical treat is Dinah Washington's version of "September in the Rain" which she released in 1961.
The shredding of my letters from Desert Storm still hang with me. I think this is due in part to the fact my dad had served in the military way back in the day. I'm talking late 60's, early 70's.
When I moved, I was leaving a place I had called home for 43 years. I left so many physical items and memories behind, the most painful one was finding my dad collapsed on the floor. I took what I could with me to my new home but there was no way I could take everything my parents owned or the things I owned with me.
I should have been paying more attention to my aunt when she was shredding papers and going through the family safe. It's understandable to shred a quiz from when I was in the first grade, but it belonged to me and she should have asked before shredding, especially the letters.
I guess in some strange, odd way, those letters represented more than just servicemen writing back to a stranger who sent a letter of support to them during a time of war. So many members of my family from great-grandfathers to cousins and then some served - Air Force, Army, Marines and Navy. These members of my family, some of whom I've never met, served their country.
When my aunt shredded the letters that I got from servicemen involved in the Gulf War it was like their service was - erased. I can't explain that thought or the feelings that go with it. It was like these men were thrown away - discarded. I'm sure my aunt had no idea that her shredding of the letters would cause me to feel this way. I don't why she shredded them. I never asked because when I thought about the letters, it was too late. They were long gone.
I guess this is the sticking point of it all. These were letters written to me. She should have asked if I still wanted them. Had she asked, I would have told her that I absolutely wanted to keep them. I would have never thrown those letters away because doing so would have seemed disrespectful to these men who served our country.
I have never been overly patriotic, but my dad raised me well enough to respect members of our military. He ran a small business for years and always hired former military. When he was in the hospital recuperating from cutting his finger off (they tried to reattach it, but it didn't work), he said the only nurse on duty who knew what they were doing, was an older woman who had served in the Army. My dad said she knew how to make a bed the right way and was a hoot.
Writing those letters long ago was my way of showing support. I love writing, so writing a letter makes sense. There are other ways to show support such as supporting a veteran run business. There are memorial walks and donating to organizations that help veterans.
I'm thinking of participating in Mission 22's September 48-mile walk challenge. I don't think I'll officially sign up but silently show my support. Thankfully, you walk 48 miles for the month. I'm debating on whether or not to do this. If I do it, hopefully my bad knees and bad feet won't scream at me too much. Genetics suck! Both of my parents had bad knees and my feet are messed up especially my left one. Trust me when I tell you that dropping a 14 lbs. electric bike battery on your foot followed by two cans of soup two days later will mess up your foot. It's simply never been the same.
Maybe doing this walk will mend the feeling of the lost letters. I have a few more days to decide whether I will commit or channel my energy down another path. I'll let you know.
Okay, time to end this ramble. Your musical treat today will be "Burning Bridges" the theme song to the movie Kelly's Heroes that I remember watching with my dad as a kid. My mom loved Clint Eastwood and my dad liked war movies so this one was watched often.
It's hard to believe it's been five years since I moved into my condo. The passage of time is funny especially considering the last three years consisted of a pandemic that really messed with when things happened.
There are days where I remember the things, the things I left behind in the house and wonder why I didn't bring them with me. Then there are things I'm sure I brought but cannot find. I found myself lost in such remembering but not of my own mistake did a bunch of letters get left behind.
When I was cleaning out most of the house, my aunt (by marriage) was shredding papers from a safe that belonged to my parents and me. There were lots of things and unfortunately, as it turned out, she had shred a stack of letters I had received from servicemen who served during the Gulf War. I remember that one of them was in the Air Force. Back then writing letters to servicemen was a big deal.
I was in college when the Gulf War started. There was Operation Desert Shield and Operation Desert Storm. Operation Desert Storm sticks more in my memory as it kicked off before I returned to college for the Spring semester. Dad was watching the war nearly 24-7. I remember the green tracers shooting through the sky as the battle waged on. I say green tracers but that's what it looked like as the TV was in night vision.
Operation Desert Shield was phase one and one of my college suitemates was dating a soldier in the Army. She found out that he was going to be sent over. She freaked out and talked about dumping him over the phone once he landed in Kuwait. I remember a whole bunch of us told her not to do that. He would call late at night to talk to her. With each phone call, she'd freak out even more after hanging up with him. She did eventually break up with the guy while he was overseas. We all felt so bad for him that a number of us went behind her back, coordinating with her mom no less and ended up sending him mail and a care package. Not that it would lessen the blow of being dumped while deployed but we just felt bad for the guy. He deserved better. I do not know what happened to him, let alone remember his name. I think it was James but it's a bit fuzzy.
This is when the letter writing campaign began on campus to write letters to soldiers. I was one of those people who wrote letters. Trust me when I say it's hard to write a letter to a stranger. Let alone a soldier. Honestly, what do you say? Turns out you write about boring stuff - stuff so mundane to most people but a welcome reprieve for someone trying not to get shot.
I never expected to get any replies but was surprised when I did. I wish I could remember their names and feel bad that I don't. I feel even worse, that my aunt shredded their letters. I have to admit that I am curious to know where those servicemen are now. Did they even make it home from the Gulf War?
I suspect my aunt just thought they were dumb letters not realizing their importance to me. They were stored in the safe for reason, so that they would be there, protected for time - a snapshot of history. Stored in a place I could return to and look at them when I felt driven too.
You can't write servicemen or women these days. Those programs pretty much don't exist anymore and have morphed into something else. It's kind of sad really as I would be willing to fire off a batch of letters letting them find their way to a soldier who may not have any family or one who simply needs a little pick-me-up if they're having a bad day.
It makes me grateful that I did not get rid of my dad's zippo lighter or accidently left it behind when I moved. It is clear dad didn't use the lighter as he kept it in the original box, instructions too but time has gotten to it a little. It says "Aleutian Dew Line 714th AC & W SQ." I'm not up on my military lingo but I think AC&W means Aircraft Control and Warning Squadron. I just remember my dad talking about the White Alice antennas in old photographs he showed me when I was a kid.
While I no longer possess the letters of the servicemen who wrote me when I was a young 20-something, at least I remember getting them. At least I remember it was the Gulf War. At least, I remember. I remember something.
Typically, I have a song picked out for your musical treat but today my brain is struggling. Have no fear, I've got you covered it just took longer than usual to find something. Enjoy Delain's "April Rain."
I continue to work on editing a story I wrote last November. I went through it a couple of times already but in the most recent run though I have added more detail and removed some sections. The story I have been working on is about my journey through depression and suicide. Something I have been writing about and exploring for years.
When the 4th of July rolled around and military themed movies filled my TV screen, admittedly, not as much as they have in the past, I couldn't find a single channel showing the movies I used to watch with mom and dad, mostly dad, as a kid. No one was showing The Dirty Dozen (1967), Kelly's Heroes (1970), PT 109 (1963), The Green Berets (1968), Bridge on the River Kwai (1957), or any others that were watched on a regular basis as a kid. I ended up watching American Sniper (2015).
I then hit YouTube and binge watched episodes of Shift Fire with Israel Wright and Cameron Fath. Those guys are awesome! The channel in their words, is an "exploration and appreciation of military culture"! I have been following them for over a year or so but somehow missed some videos. I was catching up. Somehow, I had forgotten they had a podcast too. During one of the videos, I had noticed that Israel was wearing a t-shirt that got my attention. Mind you, during this time period I'm editing my story which is about suicide. The t-shirt said, "Do Not Give in to the War Within: End Veteran Suicide".
I could see there was some kind of logo on the sleeve of the shirt, but I couldn't see what it said. Given my curiosity, I hit the internet! I found a knock-off of the shirt Israel was wearing but continued until I found the exact one. It led me to a site called Til Valhalla Project. They make plaques for fallen servicemen and deliver them anonymously to recipients through a network of volunteers. They had a whole bunch of t-shirts with messages that spoke to me, so I ordered a few shirts.
In another Shift Fire video, Israel wore another shirt that said "Mission 22" on it. I had no idea what that meant but when I was on the website of the Til Valhalla Project, they mentioned Mission 22. So off I went to learn about them too. I had no idea that 22 veterans commit suicide each day. Mission 22 provides other resources as well to veterans and their families.
To think, I learned all of this from a t-shirt! I couldn't leave Cameron in the cold and made sure to order a shirt from his apparel company, KITGOD as he is a veteran too.
When I was a senior in high school all the military recruiters made themselves known. Especially, considering I was a girl who had taken two years of electronics. That was considered untraditional back then and I must have been a flipping unicorn to them. I did spend a lot of time hanging out with my friend Trish who was in ROTC, so that may have played a part since I helped her hanging the flag every morning.
My dad served in the military (Air Force) and actually told me to not consider that as a path. He told me not to do it. I'm not sure why. It may have been because I would be the first person on either side of the family to go to college. Plenty of family members had served - Air Force, Navy, and Army.
After learning about the organizations from a shirt Israel wore, I have to admit it hit me. I know the dark place. I know what the battle within is like. I must admit a part of me wanted to share my story, but I have been writing my story for years, sharing it in pieces. I do have to admit that a part of me wanted to say 'thank-you' but can't really put into words why.
I think buying the shirts and when I start wearing them will take care of the feeling of saying 'thank-you' but I'll be doing it in a different form. I am really glad that my binge watching of Israel and Cam led me down this path. Things came full circle.
Today's music treat is Within Temptation's "Stand My Ground". Crank the volume on this one and enjoy.
I haven't written in a while but have a few updates to share.
First off, it appears that my neighbors may have chased off the skateboarder. He has not been around for weeks. He may be busy with other things, but I do hope he returns. I hope my neighbors did not chase him away because in all honesty, he wasn't doing anything wrong.
When it comes to doing wrong things, my neighbor next door broke the rules by having a moving truck show up at 9 pm to move boxes into the building. This is not allowed according to building rules. It did cause a stir for sure and admittedly, the HOA board, one member in particular was an utter dick. My neighbor had been visited by one board member and didn't need to be talked to by another one an hour later.
The second member is nice to your face, but he can be a definite jerk. He clearly has an issue with women and takes every opportunity to belittle them. He used to work at the same company as me. I didn't have much interaction with him but heard somethings after he left.
Other interesting things is the bus driver who walked behind our trash house to go pee. Yup, he did that. Across the parking lot is an adult living center and special busses come at all times during the day to pick up people or drop them off. Well, I watched a driver drop people off and then watched him to relieve himself. I didn't actually see him pee, but he certainly wasn't doing #2 given how quickly he reappeared. I was surprised, even more so knowing that the building where he dropped people off has a front office. Couldn't he have gone in and simply asked to use the restroom?
I had neighbors two floors down from me have a party on their patio two nights in a row. The pot smoke made it's way up to my floor and I had to close the doors. They were super loud and partied from 4pm to 10pm the first night and attempted the same the following night but got an earful when they were still loud past 10 when the first floor neighbor told them quiet hours started at 10 and that the HOA would fine them $500. That's not actually true but it did the trick and they were quiet.
People are interesting for sure. With that, I leave you with 'People Are Strange'. I could have gone with The Doors version but opted for the Echo & The Bunnymen version for the The Lost Boys soundtrack.
I was hoping that the neighborhood skater would appear today and he did. It was easy to approach him and he clearly recognized me. I talked to him a bit and warned him that a resident made a complaint and told him if he stayed clear of our parking lot he should be okay. He appreciated the heads up.
I feel good helping him out but I understand how beneficial skateboarding can be and due to my own experiences with skateboarding from a non-skater view. Skating has been beneficial to me even though I don't skate. It has reminded me often of my own strength and resilience. Bob Burnquist, Bucky Lasek, Tony Hawk, Kelvin Hoefler, Luan Oliveira, Jonny Giger and so many others have unknowingly saved my ass. For that, I am ever grateful and don't expect anyone to understand that.
There is something about these skaters, these men and their own stories that speaks to a part of me that I have spent years trying to heal and support - the Broken Child. They say helping others is a way to mend the broken child and to listen to the child inside. Given recent events in my life coupled with the guilt that has been inflicted on me my whole life that if I do good, I am made to feel bad. That is Catholic guilt and my parents wondered why I ran away from the Church when I was a kid.
The Broken Child and the Inner Saboteur have a lot in common. One feels alone and afraid, nothing is ever good enough no matter the intentions and the other reinforces it with negative thoughts of being a loser.
It's too late for me to learn skateboarding, not really, but the inner child in me I think seeks the kind of freedom and release that comes with it. It could be that the broken child in me relates to the idea of how skaters are seen as the misfits, the outsiders, the ones who don't belong. I found a community that isn't really my community but a part of me lives adjacent to it and that's okay.
Warning the neighborhood skater today in some ways appeased the Broken Child. The child is happy and although, broken, has received a hug by doing a good deed. A deed that the Saboteur cannot destroy this time.
Today's musical treat is Lupe Fiasco's 'Kick, Push' which seem appropriate given today's events.
